Fathers Worldwide Brace For Additions To Their Ugly Tie Collections

Father's DayHappy Father’s Day, Modern Philosophers!

All over the world, Dads are practicing their fake smiles so that they can appear to be ecstatic upon opening their gifts to discover yet another ugly tie.

According to UglyTies.com, the official site of Father’s Day, ugly tie sales are up 25% this year.  Analysts aren’t sure if this is because there are more fathers in the world, or because more children have become horrible gift givers.  Regardless, brace yourself for some ugly ties at the office tomorrow.

It is not clear when ugly ties became the traditional gift of Father’s Day, or why children would want to punish the men who gave them life and love them more than anything, but anthropologists are certain the items predate the birth of Christ.  Some historians believe that Brutus’ original plan was to strangle Caesar with the ugliest of his Father’s Day gifts.

ugly-tiesThis Modern Philosopher believes himself to be guilty of gifting more ugliness into my Dad’s wardrobe.  From what I remember, my Dad owned the most hideous ties the world has ever seen.  They were so wide, and so strangely colored.  I used to tease him and say he had “Eight is Enough” ties, which was my dorky reference to the ridiculous ties Mr. Bradford always wore on that show (yes, I was a Film & TV nerd even as a wee lad!).


I grew up knowing I wanted to have a job that didn’t require my wearing a suit and tie.  So I guess my Dad’s horrible fashion sense was one of my earliest inspirations for being a writer.  He always was so supportive of my writing.  When it was time to pick a college, I’d have terrible fights with my Evil Stepmother, who made it clear that being a writer was not an acceptable career choice.  Dad would always tell me (out of Evil Stepmother’s earshot, of course) that I needed to chase my dream.

SparrowsWhile I was gifting Dad with the albatross of bad taste around his neck, he gave me so many better gifts.  Perhaps the one that warms my heart the most even now, long as his death, is my love of the Yankees and Notre Dame.  I follow both teams passionately and that love was instilled in me by Big Austin (obviously, I was Little Austin, but no one knew I was going to grow up to be 6’3″.  I mean, look at how scrawny I am in that photo to the left!).

I miss my Dad very much, and know he would love coming to visit me in Maine.  This porch, where I’m currently writing this post, would definitely be his favorite place at The House on the Hill.  I know he would be proud of the fact that two of my scripts have been made into movies, and that I’m making you all laugh (I hope) every day with this silly blog.  He’d also be a huge fan of the fact that I fell in love with a beautiful woman who is going to be a doctor…he’d make some horrible joke (Yes, dear old Dad is responsible for my dorky sense of humor) about how he wouldn’t mind being sick (sadly, my Dad was always sick) if it meant The Girl Who Makes Me Happy got to take care of him.

I miss you, Dad.  Sorry about all the ugly ties, but you started it.  That collection of yours was wildly out of control long before I was born.

Hope you are following my blog in Heaven.  Love, Little Austin…



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Fathers Worldwide Brace For Additions To Their Ugly Tie Collections

  1. raeme67 says:

    Funny and sweet post! How lucky of you to have had such a wonderful dad.

  2. Thanks you much for the fine article of wich much information I have been needing is inside of. I will be sure to pay much visits and atention to all future articles of such good information. Keep up with the good hard work. And speaking of hard, I have for selling some magic pills that will make you like a tree in your soft areas. Only fifty glabotniks for a bottle that will give you much happy pants for a long time.

  3. jaklumen says:

    My wife was going to write some companion pieces to her “Mother’s Day: What NOT To Give Her” and “Mother’s Day: Some Suggestions” posts for Father’s Day. I volunteered to do it instead… but sadly, I let busy-ness overtake me and I didn’t get around to it.

    I wasn’t sure if I could come up with ten “don’t gets” and numerous more “do gets”. At least when she asked me about “don’t gets” I blurted “no ties, especially loud ugly ones” without skipping a beat. Others were things like “kitschy game trinkets that department stores seem to sell a lot” (unless dad in question is an office jockey and needs something to amuse himself at his desk) and “awful cologne”.

    • Austin says:

      I think ugly ties are a right of passage for fathers on this holiday. They truly aren’t a Dad until they wear the ugly tie to work because they love their kids and want the kids to see he liked the gift…

  4. jaklumen says:

    Reblogged this on the tao of jaklumen and commented:
    As I said in the comments, I volunteered to write for Cimmy on Father’s Day to compliment her Mother’s Day posts. I did not get to that. But The Modern Philosopher has made it clear: ugly ties are at the top of the “don’t get” list for fathers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s