Fathers Worldwide Brace For Additions To Their Ugly Tie Collections

Happy Father’s Day, Modern Philosophers!

All over the world, Dads are practicing their fake smiles so that they can appear to be ecstatic upon opening their gifts to discover yet another ugly tie.

According to UglyTies.com, the official site of Father’s Day, ugly tie sales are up 25% this year.  Analysts aren’t sure if this is because there are more fathers in the world, or because more children have become horrible gift givers.  Regardless, brace yourself for some ugly ties at the office tomorrow.

It is not clear when ugly ties became the traditional gift of Father’s Day, or why children would want to punish the men who gave them life and love them more than anything, but anthropologists are certain the items predate the birth of Christ.  Some historians believe that Brutus’ original plan was to strangle Caesar with the ugliest of his Father’s Day gifts.

This Modern Philosopher believes himself to be guilty of gifting more ugliness into my Dad’s wardrobe.  From what I remember, my Dad owned the most hideous ties the world has ever seen.  They were so wide, and so strangely colored.  I used to tease him and say he had “Eight is Enough” ties, which was my dorky reference to the ridiculous ties Mr. Bradford always wore on that show (yes, I was a Film & TV nerd even as a wee lad!).

 

I grew up knowing I wanted to have a job that didn’t require my wearing a suit and tie.  So I guess my Dad’s horrible fashion sense was one of my earliest inspirations for being a writer.  He always was so supportive of my writing.  When it was time to pick a college, I’d have terrible fights with my Evil Stepmother, who made it clear that being a writer was not an acceptable career choice.  Dad would always tell me (out of Evil Stepmother’s earshot, of course) that I needed to chase my dream.

While I was gifting Dad with the albatross of bad taste around his neck, he gave me so many better gifts.  Perhaps the one that warms my heart the most even now, long as his death, is my love of the Yankees and Notre Dame.  I follow both teams passionately and that love was instilled in me by Big Austin (obviously, I was Little Austin, but no one knew I was going to grow up to be 6’3″.  I mean, look at how scrawny I am in that photo to the left!).

I miss my Dad very much, and know he would love coming to visit me in Maine.  This porch, where I’m currently writing this post, would definitely be his favorite place at The House on the Hill.  I know he would be proud of the fact that two of my scripts have been made into movies, and that I’m making you all laugh (I hope) every day with this silly blog.  He’d also be a huge fan of the fact that I fell in love with a beautiful woman who is going to be a doctor…he’d make some horrible joke (Yes, dear old Dad is responsible for my dorky sense of humor) about how he wouldn’t mind being sick (sadly, my Dad was always sick) if it meant The Girl Who Makes Me Happy got to take care of him.

I miss you, Dad.  Sorry about all the ugly ties, but you started it.  That collection of yours was wildly out of control long before I was born.

Hope you are following my blog in Heaven.  Love, Little Austin…