What If Darth Vader Had Been My Father?

Darth VaderA long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Luke Skywalker found out, in not the greatest of ways, that he should have been buying Father’s Day gifts all along.

Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I sit up in bed and wonder how I would react if Darth Vader told me he was my Dad (not really, but let’s just pretend this is true for the sake of a fun Father’s Day blog post).

My gut reaction is that I wouldn’t react very well to the news.  I’ve lived my whole life thinking that my father was a sweet, mild mannered banker who just made a bad choice in picking a second wife after the death of my Mom.  I like being Austin, Jr. and I’d hate to be told I suddenly had to go by some weird, old school space name.

I’d be pissed to discover that my life was a lie, that I was really adopted, and that of all the places in the universe I could’ve been hidden, it was decided to place me with a middle class family in the Milky Way Galaxy.  Was that the best the Jedi Relocation Program had to offer?  That would help explain why the Jedi were almost entirely wiped out, though.

Luke & DadI would certainly be upset to learn that my father was an evil, power hungry, half-machine, right hand man to the most horrible dictator history has ever known.  I undoubtedly would want to pick up a light saber and attack him, because I’d be so enraged that no one had bothered to teach me all the cool Jedi stuff when I was a kid getting picked on at school every day.

Of course, there’s a part of me that would think it pretty cool to be Darth Vader’s son.  I would be a Jedi, albeit a late blooming one.  The family business, while having an evil bent to it, would mean for a cushier lifestyle and lots of travel, and there would always be that chance that I could use my way with words to convince Papa Vader to overthrow the Emperor and put me next in line to rule the galaxy.  Of course, I’d only do that if Darth Dad promised to become good again.  I’m definitely a good guy even if my father is the baddest of the bad.

Death StarIt would be fun to live in the Death Star and have all those stormtroopers salute the boss’ kid any time this Modern Philosopher passed in the hall.  And a Jedi’s robe would be just as comfy, if not more so, than my usual toga.  Plus, I’d love to be able to fly a Star Destroyer and a Tie Fighter, and who better to teach me than Vader?

In the end, I think it would all come down to whether or not Darth Vader would be willing to give up his evil ways and take the time to get to know me and make up for all the lost years.  I miss my Dad very much, so it would be nice to have another shot at having a father.  However, if he’s totally consumed with crushing the Rebellion, blowing up planets, and being the Emperor’s little bitch boy, then I would want nothing to do with him.  I’d tell him I was not the son he was looking for, and ask him to kindly go back to being far, far away.

Truth be told, I’m grateful that I never have to deal with this situation.  As a Star Wars fan, it would’ve been tempting to suddenly be part of the story.  Then again, I’d hate to see how my new Dad might react if he didn’t like the ugly tie I got him for Father’s Day…

Happy Father’s Day.  May the Force be with you!




About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to What If Darth Vader Had Been My Father?

  1. I really liked this piece. When I clicked on this I was wondering how the Darth Vader theme was going to play out . I say it played out quite well. Thanks for this post.

  2. jaypochapin says:

    Excellent as always! Am enjoying this F.D. more, thanks to you!

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’ve written a couple of Father’s Day themed articles this weekend, so read those and make this a GREAT Father’s Day! 😉

  3. Michael Bradley says:

    Darth Vader is one of my favorite characters of all time. I would have loved to find out he was my father, so together we could bring order and peace to the Universe. If you read all the back stories, Darth Vader was loved by his cadre including the 501st Legion. If you read the literature after the movies, the Jedi kind of sucked and messed things up and never brought peace. I know it is not the “politically correct” thing to say, but ruling the Universe would be very tempting, and I think I would have gone for it. 🙂

  4. raeme67 says:

    Very entertaining! I don’t think any tie would go good with that black cape.

  5. Trapper Gale says:

    Hmmm. is it possible to be a Jedi – mountain man?

  6. jaklumen says:

    I’m writing about the Monomyth according to Joseph Campbell in my blog… a new theme, if you will. (Was going to write “a new hope”, but nah-ah-ah, no puns this time!) I haven’t written much about Star Wars because pretty much everyone and their dog has already done so.

    On a different topic, don’t get your dad an ugly tie again. Construct him a new lightsaber. Make it “black” UV light purple. Yeah. That would be cool.

  7. jaklumen says:

    Reblogged this on Vox Diaspora and commented:
    C’mon, Ex-Voxers, show fathers some love… not all of them turn to the Dark Side of the Force.

  8. Pingback: A Deep Fried Look at Sci Fi Fatherhood | Deep Fried Sci Fi

  9. lorihardison says:

    Haha we watched episode 1-3 yesterday funny you should post this l. I loved it!

  10. the real olive says:

    Okay, 1) this is awesome; I thought it was gonna be a cheesy I-wish-I-was-a-Jedi post, and even though I was secretly thinking that, it’s way cool that you actually explored the real life idea instead of just saying something nerdy.

    2) Every time I see your Gravatar on something, I get really excited; it’s like I’m actually friends with Doc Brown, and he likes my stuff!! Coolest thing ever!

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for the compliments. There is definitely some blushing going on here, but that very well could be because I just got back from my run. 😉

      I’m glad I defied your expectations. I always do try to put my unique twist on things.

      It’s nice to know you enjoy my writing. I’ll try not to let you down. Your stuff is a hoot, too. 😀

  11. marymtf says:

    If you did find out that Darth Vader was your dad, you’d have the chance to research the age long question of nature versus nurture. I mean, how did the imaginary you turn out?

  12. Pingback: CHRIS: The Empire Strikes Back (Kershner, US, 1980) | The Dirk Malcolm Alternative

  13. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Happy Father’s Day! Here are some Deep Thoughts from a galaxy far, far away that I wanted to share again this year.

    To all the Dad’s out there…May the Force be with you!

  14. h3nry0 says:

    I love it. If u like thinks like this check my blog: h3nry0.wordpress.com

  15. floridaborne says:

    Thank God that you weren’t. With the ridiculous names those people had, you might have been named Barf Later Vader.

  16. I like the way your think. Darth Vader for Father. Ha ha.

  17. marjma2014 says:

    Darth Vader for a dad. Your mind does work in mysterious ways!

  18. Just imagine if your father was the Spaceballs version….”I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.”

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