Perhaps today is the day I sell the story of my crazy adventures to Syfy. I was the victim of a harrowing ant attack, and I am desperately trying to get this all down on my blog before the ant venom fills my body and “the change” begins…
It all started innocently enough. I woke up early and decided to get my run out of the way immediately because it’s supposed to be a scorcher in Maine. Weather goes from one extreme to another here in the upper right hand corner of the map, so a Modern Philosopher must always be prepared.
There was only one minor problem…I’d done something yesterday, and the Film Degree I earned at NYU doesn’t quite qualify me to make a medical diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure I tweaked a muscle in my ribcage. Because of this, I was having some trouble breathing and experiencing chest pains. It made for a very uncomfortable (and sometimes scary) day at work yesterday, but I was fairly confident it wasn’t anything more than an inconvenient muscle pull.
I didn’t want anyone at work to know lest they try to rush me off to the hospital for no reason, but I did try to slip this little tidbit of info past The Girl Who Takes My Breath Away (in an entirely different way) in an email. I said something along the lines of “I’m trying to hide a medical problem from you, but if you get a call from a weird number, please answer it since you are my emergency contact at both hospitals.”
Let’s just say her return email made it clear that I’m always supposed to tell the truth and never use my witty way with words to try to hide scary secrets from her. It wasn’t fair to frighten her like that, and I have learned my lesson (I’m sorry, Sweetheart!).
The pain and shortness of breath issue was still with me, so I did my run at a slower pace. It was excruciating at first, and I kept wanting to quit, but as I neared the 2 mile mark, it downgraded to an annoyance. Just in case, I had Gary the Gargoyle follow me so he could airlift me off to the hospital if needed. Thankfully, Gary’s services were not needed. I completed my 4 miles in just over 40:00, and my ability to do the run confirmed my theory that it’s just a nagging muscle tweak and nothing major.
Forever the glutton for punishment, I decided that as long as I was sweaty, I might as well mow the lawn of The House on the Hill. This cardio combo, which I’ve dubbed “The Homeowner’s Biathlon”, is an awesome workout. Especially when you factor in the steepness of the hill on which my house sits. My body somehow managed to manufacture another 5 gallons of sweat, despite the fact that my run had depleted pretty much my entire supply of the stuff.
Being a good neighbor (or maybe it was simply because I was delirious from the heat, the pain in my chest, the shortness of breath, and the lack of bodily fluids), I headed across the street to mow my neighbors’ lawn. My neighbor hurt his back and all they have is one of those Amish push mowers, so I thought I’d lend a hand.
It was on my neighbor’s flat, easy to mow lawn that I ran afoul of “them”.
Everything seemed normal at first. The flat parcel of land was a piece of cake to mow compared to the Mount Everest of grass that surrounds my house. I stopped to chat with my neighbor when he came out to thank me. He was telling me about his back issues when I felt something bite at my ankle.
I looked down and saw that my right sneaker and sock were swarming with ants! It honestly freaked the crap out of me. There were scores of them. They were all moving so quickly, and I had to assume reinforcements were on the way, with a plan to scale my long, sweaty legs to launch a crippling attack on my Nether Regions!
I ripped off my sneaker and waved it around like a lunatic. I wear a size 15, and that boat was completely brown from all the little pests on it. After the waving, I pounded my sneaker on the sidewalk while simultaneously swiping my ankle and lower leg to clear off the ones who were on their way north.
Even now, an hour later, after an extended shower, I still think I feel ants crawling on me as I sit on the porch writing this post. I have a feeling I’m going to be creeped out all day long. All because I wanted to do a good deed.
I don’t regret helping out my awesome neighbors. I just hope the whole “putting my life in danger” thing motivates Janine to bake me one of her famous apple crisps. I mean, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that the eating of an apple crisp was the only real way to rid a body of any ant venom…