Zeus Strikes Down Crazed Mortal Intent On Eating Mayor McCheese

ZeusZeus, the Father of the Gods, the Ruler of Olympus, and Campaign Manager to Mayor McCheese, added “Hero” to his resume today when he struck down a crazed man who attempted to eat the Maine Gubernatorial candidate.

The incident, which took place outside a homeless shelter in downtown Bangor, occurred as Mayor McCheese was shaking hands with supporters after a rousing speech during which he promised more funding to help the state’s homeless if he were elected Governor.

Mayor_McCheeseThis Modern Philosopher was an eyewitness to the assassination attempt and Zeus’ heroism as I was there to cover the speech.  The man, who has yet to be identified,  screamed: “Your head…I’m lovin’ it!” and made a mad dash at Mayor McCheese.  He then broke free of the crowd and jumped at the candidate, ketchup bottle in his right hand and mouth wide open.

Zeus, who had been up on the podium, immediately sprang into action when he sensed a threat.  A lightning bolt materialized in Zeus’ right hand and he hurled it, with deadly accuracy, at the attacker.

Zeus was on top of the man in an instant as aides hustled Mayor McCheese to safety.  There was a moment of panic when a huge red stain was spotted where the Mayor had once been standing, but that was quickly identified as ketchup from the assailant’s shattered bottle.

Paramedics rushed the unknown attacker to Eastern Maine Medical Center, where he is listed in critical condition.  My sources at the hospital tell me it is believed that the man was under the influence of bath salts.

Later, once the site had been secured, Mayor McCheese reemerged to thunderous applause and finished shaking the hands of everyone who had stuck around to meet him.  I was then able to get a few moments alone with Zeus, the hero.

“It was just instinct, Austin,” Zeus admitted when I asked him what had been going through his head at the time of the attack.  “I don’t even remember reacting.  The lightning bolt was just there and I threw it.  My friend was in danger and my body knew what it had to do to protect him.”

quarterpounderWhen I asked Zeus what sort of security measures would be implemented as they moved forward with the campaign, he replied dryly and with a straight face, “I guess we’ll feed our guests before the speech from now on.”

After learning that the suspect might have been using bath salts, Zeus also promised that the issue of drug abuse in the state would become a focus of Mayor McCheese’s campaign.  “Sadly, drugs have become a horrible plight upon the people of Maine,” Zeus lamented.  “This is something we have always intended to address, but I can assure you it will now be moved to the forefront of our platform.”

Mayor McCheese was clearly shaken up when he sat down with me, but the candidate did his best to play it cool.  “I guess it’s a good thing I let Zeus hitch his wagon to me when he came begging for a job,” he chuckled.  “In all honestly, I’m very lucky that my Campaign Manager and good friend was there when I needed him.  Thank you, Z!”

Zeus LightningTo prove that he was still his usual relaxed and bubbly self, Mayor McCheese insisted that I slip the photo on the left into this article.  “That’s an old glamor shot Zeus had taken back in the day.  He’s totally embarrassed by it, but I want you to post it and say that I gushed over it and called him my handsome hero.  He’ll get a good laugh out of it.”

I’m happy to show a photo of Zeus from his younger days when he clearly spent a ton of time at the gym.

But no one needs that picture to be reminded that Zeus is a true hero.  That one’s a given…



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Zeus Strikes Down Crazed Mortal Intent On Eating Mayor McCheese

  1. List of X says:

    That attacker is really lucky that he only got struck by lightning. Had he eaten Mayor McCheese, he would have died from a heart attack caused by the clogged arteries.

  2. michaelmulholland says:

    I love it…

  3. I’m a huge proponent of feeding the guests, not that anyone could win me over by food or anything.

    >.> <..>

  4. 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

    Just think, if he’d had potatos in his pocket, he could have salted french fries!

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