On this Independence Day, members high up in the British Military Intelligence community, having had a little to drink and many years to reflect, have decided the time has finally come to admit a major blunder.
Those redcoats worn by British soldiers were a really stupid idea.
This Modern Philosopher received the call at approximately 11AM Maine time. The gentleman on the other end of the line, while clearly inebriated, asserted that he was of sound mind and body, and wanted to come clean about the Fourth of July and the Revolutionary War. While he would not allow me to use his real name in my article, he did say I could refer to him as “Sir Secret Source” (not to be confused with Sir Secret Sauce, my insider at a major rap label).
“I just wanted to let you Yanks know that the main reason you won that war and got your independence was because some wanker high up on the military ladder was shagging a woman who had our uniform contract,” Sir Secret Source blubbered out. “This bird had come into an excess of red material that she needed to move, so she used her naughty bits to get this General to agree to red uniform coats for the troops. Military Intelligence should have found out about this and given it the old heave ho, so this is really our fault.”
He rambled on for a good while, and I listened politely as I readied The House on the Hill for my Fourth of July party, but he did have a point. “We should’ve gone with some sort of camouflage to blend in with the damn terrain,” Sir Secret Source shouted. “Instead we bloody hell stood out like big red moving targets for you Yankee farm boys to pop off with ease whenever we attacked.”
“So as you grill your meat patties, watch your fire poppers, and celebrate your freedom from your rightful rulers on this side of the pond, just remember, the only reason you won the Revolutionary War was because some horny General needed a proper shagging. Hope you can live with that.”
I’m sure all Americans can live with the freedom that poor fashion choice has brought us. God Bless America and God Bless Sexy British Uniform Makers!
Happy Independence Day!