British Military Intelligence Admits Redcoats Were A Bad Idea

RedcoatsOn this Independence Day, members high up in the British Military Intelligence community, having had a little to drink and many years to reflect, have decided the time has finally come to admit a major blunder.

Those redcoats worn by British soldiers were a really stupid idea.

This Modern Philosopher received the call at approximately 11AM Maine time.  The gentleman on the other end of the line, while clearly inebriated, asserted that he was of sound mind and body, and wanted to come clean about the Fourth of July and the Revolutionary War.  While he would not allow me to use his real name in my article, he did say I could refer to him as “Sir Secret Source” (not to be confused with Sir Secret Sauce, my insider at a major rap label).

“I just wanted to let you Yanks know that the main reason you won that war and got your independence was because some wanker high up on the military ladder was shagging a woman who had our uniform contract,” Sir Secret Source blubbered out.  “This bird had come into an excess of red material that she needed to move, so she used her naughty bits to get this General to agree to red uniform coats for the troops.  Military Intelligence should have found out about this and given it the old heave ho, so this is really our fault.”

He rambled on for a good while, and I listened politely as I readied The House on the Hill for my Fourth of July party, but he did have a point.  “We should’ve gone with some sort of camouflage to blend in with the damn terrain,” Sir Secret Source shouted.  “Instead we bloody hell stood out like big red moving targets for you Yankee farm boys to pop off with ease whenever we attacked.”

July-4th-Independence-day-usaI didn’t have the heart to point out that at least the red material hid the blood.  It wouldn’t have been fair to make the poor guy any more depressed.

“So as you grill your meat patties, watch your fire poppers, and celebrate your freedom from your rightful rulers on this side of the pond, just remember, the only reason you won the Revolutionary War was because some horny General needed a proper shagging.  Hope you can live with that.”

I’m sure all Americans can live with the freedom that poor fashion choice has brought us.  God Bless America and God Bless Sexy British Uniform Makers!

Happy Independence Day!

 

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to British Military Intelligence Admits Redcoats Were A Bad Idea

  1. Ashana M says:

    It sounds like a win-win.

  2. Another stupid idea was standing there in rows and shooting at each other.

  3. michaelmulholland says:

    Ye got me a chuckling

  4. Red coats had nothing to do with loosing the colonies. British blunders and the French fleet in the Chesapeake was the key.

  5. ksbeth says:

    Naughty bits will cause mayhem every time. Though sometimes it’s worth it.

  6. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Happy Independence Day Eve. Hopefully, this little history lesson puts you in the proper mindset to enjoy the big holiday!

  7. Ally Bean says:

    Delightful. The real “facts” of history are so much more interesting than dates, battles, treaty negotiations. Thank Sir Secret Source for this clarification.

  8. Haha! Used her “naughty bits,” huh? Love it

  9. Indeed. What a choice of uniform color. What WERE they thinking? Still, this won’t be the only or biggest mistake. Just celebrate with the rest of the crowd. Happy Independence Day.

  10. howardat58 says:

    As you may have figured out, I am from England and now living in the last American colony (Puerto Rico). So I celebrate Independence Day as the day the English finally divested themselves of a troublesome colony!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Lorra B. says:

    Reblogged this on SilentSoldier and commented:
    Happy Forth Everyone!!

  12. Lorra B. says:

    This I needed today so thanks for the laughs and, what WERE they thinking? Always wondered that… 🙂

  13. Rebekah says:

    Dirty! I’m just leaving samall comments to let you know I was here. Have a nice day.

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for doing that. You could also like the posts so I knew you were there, silly. 😉

      But I do enjoy reading your comments and getting in the last word… 😛

      • Rebekah says:

        I guess your right. I’ll do that from now on. Or I’ll just keep filling up your comments section. I’m I acting like a stalker… Letting you you know you’re not alone?

      • Austin says:

        I love replying to comments from my readers. That’s one of the reasons I enjoy blogging so much. When I write a screenplay, I don’t get instant feedback like I do when I post 500 words on this blog. It’s very nice to know right away what people think of my writing.

        I tried that email address you gave me, but it came back as an improper address… 😦

      • Rebekah says:

        I know how you feel. That is why I started writing this book on a blog. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time or if people actual like it.

        Glad we got that e-mail thing taken care of. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s