On this Independence Day, members high up in the British Military Intelligence community, having had a little to drink and many years to reflect, have decided the time has finally come to admit a major blunder.
Those redcoats worn by British soldiers were a really stupid idea.
This Modern Philosopher received the call at approximately 11AM Maine time. The gentleman on the other end of the line, while clearly inebriated, asserted that he was of sound mind and body, and wanted to come clean about the Fourth of July and the Revolutionary War. While he would not allow me to use his real name in my article, he did say I could refer to him as “Sir Secret Source” (not to be confused with Sir Secret Sauce, my insider at a major rap label).
“I just wanted to let you Yanks know that the main reason you won that war and got your independence was because some wanker high up on the military ladder was shagging a woman who had our uniform contract,” Sir Secret Source blubbered out. “This bird had come into an excess of red material that she needed to move, so she used her naughty bits to get this General to agree to red uniform coats for the troops. Military Intelligence should have found out about this and given it the old heave ho, so this is really our fault.”
He rambled on for a good while, and I listened politely as I readied The House on the Hill for my Fourth of July party, but he did have a point. “We should’ve gone with some sort of camouflage to blend in with the damn terrain,” Sir Secret Source shouted. “Instead we bloody hell stood out like big red moving targets for you Yankee farm boys to pop off with ease whenever we attacked.”
I didn’t have the heart to point out that at least the red material hid the blood. It wouldn’t have been fair to make the poor guy any more depressed.
“So as you grill your meat patties, watch your fire poppers, and celebrate your freedom from your rightful rulers on this side of the pond, just remember, the only reason you won the Revolutionary War was because some horny General needed a proper shagging. Hope you can live with that.”
I’m sure all Americans can live with the freedom that poor fashion choice has brought us. God Bless America and God Bless Sexy British Uniform Makers!
Happy Independence Day!
It sounds like a win-win.
🙂
Another stupid idea was standing there in rows and shooting at each other.
Luckily, they made those mistakes and now we get to shoot off fireworks to celebrate! 🙂
Ye got me a chuckling
The holiday has inspired some silliness in me. 🙂
And that is great…love it and thank you funny one…
🙂
Red coats had nothing to do with loosing the colonies. British blunders and the French fleet in the Chesapeake was the key.
I’m just reporting what I was told by that high ranking British Military Intelligence official. 🙂
Naughty bits will cause mayhem every time. Though sometimes it’s worth it.
I agree, but I hope they never cause me to have to wear a hideous red jacket!
Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:
Happy Independence Day Eve. Hopefully, this little history lesson puts you in the proper mindset to enjoy the big holiday!
Delightful. The real “facts” of history are so much more interesting than dates, battles, treaty negotiations. Thank Sir Secret Source for this clarification.
I shall do that. Check out the new post I just wrote about a problem with the Declaration of Independence! 🙂
Haha! Used her “naughty bits,” huh? Love it
Thanks! 🙂
Indeed. What a choice of uniform color. What WERE they thinking? Still, this won’t be the only or biggest mistake. Just celebrate with the rest of the crowd. Happy Independence Day.
Happy holiday! Even though you are a Canadian… 🙂
Mighty BIG of you. Thank you and the same back at you 🙂
🙂
As you may have figured out, I am from England and now living in the last American colony (Puerto Rico). So I celebrate Independence Day as the day the English finally divested themselves of a troublesome colony!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha! You might want to read my latest post because we’re all British again! 🙂
Reblogged this on SilentSoldier and commented:
Happy Forth Everyone!!
This I needed today so thanks for the laughs and, what WERE they thinking? Always wondered that… 🙂
I hope you like the new one I just posted about Independence Day. Happy Independence Day Eve! 🙂
I will take a look! Happy 4th eve! 🙂
🙂
Reblogged this on Reality Check.
Dirty! I’m just leaving samall comments to let you know I was here. Have a nice day.
Thank you for doing that. You could also like the posts so I knew you were there, silly. 😉
But I do enjoy reading your comments and getting in the last word… 😛
I guess your right. I’ll do that from now on. Or I’ll just keep filling up your comments section. I’m I acting like a stalker… Letting you you know you’re not alone?
I love replying to comments from my readers. That’s one of the reasons I enjoy blogging so much. When I write a screenplay, I don’t get instant feedback like I do when I post 500 words on this blog. It’s very nice to know right away what people think of my writing.
I tried that email address you gave me, but it came back as an improper address… 😦
I know how you feel. That is why I started writing this book on a blog. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time or if people actual like it.
Glad we got that e-mail thing taken care of. 🙂
I agree.