England Offers To Take Back US; Americans Laugh At Wacky British Humor

According to multiple sources in the White House, this Modern Philosopher has learned that British Prime Minister David Cameron made a most unusual call to President Barack Obama this morning.

Instead of the expected Independence Day well wishes, the Prime Minister was weepy, perhaps even slightly intoxicated, and made an emotional plea to the President for the United States to return to British rule.

“It was like something out of an 80s romantic comedy,” one of my sources told me.  “The President was laughing about it later, and even acted out the Prime Minister’s side of the conversation in a crazy British accent.  I never realized the President could be so funny.”

Another source picked up the story and added more details.  “Cameron was bawling like a baby.  He said that the economy in his country was in the WC, which I think is British slang for the toilet, and he thought that if the US would come back and agree to be under British rule again, it would be a winning situation for all involved.”

“The President thought it was a joke at first,” a third source revealed.  “So he played along and said he would consider it, but only if we could still drive on the right hand side of the road, that we didn’t have to start calling soccer “football” because it would be far too confusing, and the Prime Minister had to admit that the US version of “The Office” was far superior to the British version.”

“And the Prime Minister not only agreed to all those terms, but was also dictating them to someone else who was in the room and typing it all up as if it were some sort of actual binding agreement.  Then we wept quite loudly, rambled on about how breaks ups are so rough on both sides, how he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about America, and how much he wants it back.”

According to all my sources, it was at this point that President Obama realized this wasn’t a joke and that he needed to defuse the situation quickly.  So, he got Queen Elizabeth on another line, conferenced her into the call, and the two of them got to work at helping the Prime Minister pull himself together.

It was only after the President asserted that America was never going back, and that the break up was permanent, that the Prime Minister finally stopped begging and pleading for a second chance.  Once Queen Elizabeth threatened to take over rule of the country, Cameron shut up altogether and apologized for making a fool of himself.  He explained that anniversaries like the Fourth of July were just really hard on him.

I am happy to report, Modern Philosophers, that America has stood its ground and will not be returning to that abusive relationship.

Happy Independence Day!  Promise me, no matter how much you drink and how right it seems at the moment, you won’t drunk dial England and ask it to take us back…