Witch Helps Surgeons Save Man Who Ate Magic Beans

Witch SpellHistory was made today at Bangor’s Eastern Maine Medical Center when a Witch was asked to assist surgeons in their attempt to save a man who had ingested a handful of Magic Beans.  It is believed to be the first time that magic has ever been used in an operating room on a human patient in the state of Maine.

Volcanica Ivy is renowned throughout the Witching Community for her work with plants and herbs, so this Modern Philosopher is not surprised that EMMC reached out to her given the patient’s condition.

“He had mistaken Magic Beans for candy, and the only reason he’s still alive is because his girlfriend came home moments after he had eaten them and realized the danger he was in,” Volcanica explained to me as we strolled down the quiet hall of the recovery ward.  “Anyone who deals with Magic Beans knows that a Bean Stalk will begin to grow almost immediately once fluids are added.  By the time they’d gotten him to the Operating Room, vines were already growing out of his ears, nose, and mouth.  Two of the nurses fainted at the sight.”

magic-beansThe patient, Jack Farmer of Milford, was in serious jeopardy the moment those beans settled in his tummy.  Doctors knew they had only minutes to remove the stalk before it would explode through Jack’s body and then through the floors and walls of the hospital.

Luckily, EMMC’s computer system had recently been updated to include symptoms and problems more regularly associated with the hospital’s Otherworldly Patients.  A quick thinking nurse did a search on how to treat Magic Bean exposure, and the computer informed her that she needed to contact Volcanica Ivy.  The Witch arrived at EMMC in an instant, and was ready to assist as soon as Jack was rushed into the Operating Room.

As the surgeons hustled to cut into Jack’s abdomen, Volcanica cast a De-Vining Spell, which immediately stopped the Bean Stalk from growing any further.  While the doctors worked to get to the literal root of the patient’s problem, Volcanica conjured up a Shriveling Spell (“I’m not even going to tell you how else this spell is used, but I’ll just say there is a lot of call for it from jilted lovers and ex-wives,” she volunteered.).

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERAVolcanica’s Magic confined the extent of the Magic Bean’s growth to the inside of Jack’s stomach.  Once the doctors had removed that, the Witch, whom the hospital staff has now affectionately dubbed “McWicked” a la the character nicknames on “Grey’s Anatomy”, used her wand to cast out any last remains tendrils of the Bean Stalk that might have remained in the patient’s organ’s, limbs, or orifices.

“From what I’m told,” explained Dr. B.J. Palmer, the lead surgeon on the procedure, “those Bean Stalks can grow to be about ten miles high and a good three to five feet in circumference.  If Volcanica hadn’t done what she did, we would have been helpless to save the patient.  Who knows how many other patients might have been injured or even killed when that thing exploded out of his body and started climbing towards the heavens?  This whole building would have been destroyed.  Thank goodness we had Magic on our side today.”

The patient is still in critical condition given the trauma that his body was exposed to, but doctors and Witch alike expect him to make a full recovery.

Does EMMC see this as the start of a new trend in patient treatment?  “I certainly wouldn’t be against it,” Dr. Palmer told this Modern Philosopher.  “I believe that we need to do whatever is in the best interest of our patients.”

I asked Volcanica how she would feel about becoming a more permanent member of the hospital’s staff.  “I wouldn’t be opposed to it, and I hear they have the best medical insurance,” she chuckled as she winked at me.

Perhaps this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Would you be okay with Magic being used to help you if you were admitted to the hospital with a life threatening condition?  Do you think Magic would help advance modern medicine, or do you think it would render it obsolete?  Does your current health plan allow you to see a Witch or Wizard, or would those visit have to be paid out of pocket?

I know there’s some sort of Witch Doctor joke to be made here, but I can’t quite conjure it up just yet…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Witch Helps Surgeons Save Man Who Ate Magic Beans

  1. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  2. I don’t know….I’m already paying an arm and a leg just so THEY can tell me what to do. Get on her wrong side and wouldn’t it be like hiring THE SOPRANOS for a collections agency?????

    • Austin says:

      What if Witches provided their services for free? We wouldn’t have to worry about out of control health care costs, and people wouldn’t spend fortunes on going to medical school…

  3. jaklumen says:

    I thought I ate some magic beans, but they just gave me an extra case of the farts. Does Volcania Ivy do Magical Potpourri spells?

    • Austin says:

      Yes, she does. She can also make your farts smell like chocolate, roses, or apple pie. Yup, apple pie from your pie hole. She can do that!

  4. michaelmulholland says:

    Great one, thanks for sharing…

  5. ideflex says:

    He’ll never eat bean salad again…

  6. Where can I get a copy of the Shrivelling Spell???

  7. Pingback: What Kind Of Crafter Are You | Sharing Interesting Stuff, Updates News & Free Tips

  8. kristianw84 says:

    This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Witch Doctor.”

    This gave me quite the chuckle. I love your humor! 🤣🤣

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