Downtown Bangor looked like something out of a Godzilla flick today, or maybe it was more like Ghostbusters (who could ever forget the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?), when the Paul Bunyan statue in Bass Park came to life and went for a stroll.
The 31 foot tall, 3,700lb, axe wielding behemoth snapped into action exactly at noon, causing quiet the panic on a sunny Summer afternoon. Pedestrians ran screaming in all directions. Traffic swerved onto sidewalks. Businesses locked their doors.
And Paul just went for a walk.
“The Bangor Police is prepared for just about anything,” Chief Troy Aubichon told this Modern Philosopher, “but it’s been a while since we did any drills on how to handle the animation and subsequent wandering of the Paul Bunyan statue.”
For its part, the statue did a very good job of avoiding destruction. Not a single person was injured during its afternoon stroll as Paul kept mainly to the street and away from sidewalks and buildings as much as possible.
“It was like he wanted to go to the water,” said Kori Roderick, a witness to the chaos. “He stares towards the Penobscot River every day, and must wonder what it would be like to go for a swim.”
Several other witnesses agreed with Kori’s assessment. Luckily, however, we never got to learn if Bunyan would sink or swim.
“As we covered in yesterday’s interview, we have a special instructor in town teaching the troops a little Magic for dealing with bath salts users,” Chief Aubichon informed me, while also getting in a nice plug for the blog. “Harry Potter heard all the commotion, and without even a moment’s hesitation, hopped on that broom of his, and flew off to the scene.”
Hogwarts’ most popular student, and the newest person on The Bangor Police Department’s payroll, managed to talk the statue into going back to its pedestal without incident. He then used a Frozenicus Tempus spell to return the lumbering lumberjack to its previous state.
“I’m told my dear friend Harry Potter has lots of experience dealing with bearded, kindhearted giants,” The Chief said with a chuckle. “Before my officers could even get down to the scene, he had everything back to normal. Bless his heart.”
Bangor PD is now hard at work trying to figure out exactly how the statue got an itch to go on a walkabout. “We thought it was a prank at first,” Aubichon explained as he hung a newly framed photograph of himself and Hogwarts’ finest on his office wall. “Maybe some young Witches who are in town to take the entrance exam for Maine’s School of Magic.”
“Then we got an anonymous tip. It appears that a few Rapscallion Demons got a little tipsy over at Three Toads and a Wicked Lady, and decided to do what Rapscallion Demons are famous for doing. We’re looking for them now.”
Rapscallion Demons are ugly, giant eared pests who like to drink, eat, and cause mayhem. They also know a thing or two about Magic.
All in all, what could’ve been a very destructive incident, ended up being just another crazy story for tourists to tell about their trip to Maine. Harry Potter was nice enough to pose for photos with his admirers in Bass Park, while Three Toads and a Wicked Lady offered half priced drinks for the remainder of the afternoon.
I wonder if the owners had coverage for this sort of thing. Every Mainer should know by now that the comprehensive plan is the only way to go when one lives in such a magical place…