Maine Closes All Monkey Bars After Another Drunken Flying Monkey Brawl

Monkey BarsSix Flying Monkeys, two gorillas, an ape and a chimpanzee go into a bar…

I know that sounds like the start of an awesome joke, Modern Philosophers, but it’s actually the beginning of a report filed by the Portland Police Department following another alcohol fueled Monkey Bar brawl.

This fight, which took place at Evolution, the most popular Monkey Bar in Southern Maine, was the sixth such incident of the Summer.  Apparently, Governor Paul LePage has seen enough.

“The Governor has decided that all Monkey Bars will be closed until further notice,” announced George Taylor, one of LePage’s mouthpieces.  “We have had numerous reports of underage monkeys being served on the nights of these incidents, and we plan to launch a full investigation.  Permits will be revoked.  Monkey Bars will be closed permanently.”

Flying MonkeysIt’s clear that the Governor is not monkeying around on this.

The Flying Monkeys have been a bit of a hindrance since relocating to Maine from Oz.  While most of them have acclimated to everyday life here, some pockets of the menacing winged beasts have taken to the skies with the same sort of miserable attitude they had when in the employ of The Wicked Witch of the West.

“And when they get too much beer in them, they become wicked ugly and all they want to do is fight,” Bob Dillon, the owner of Evolution told this Modern Philosopher.  “You should see how quick the monkey sh&* hits the fan when those flying !@#$%^& decide they want to go at it.  Who the hell is gonna pay for all the damage they did to my bar???”

Gorilla boxingFrom what witnesses have told the Portland Police, the Flying Monkeys aren’t the only ones to blame.

“The gorillas were blitzed on banana daiquiris, and they picked the fight,” a witness who wished to remain anonymous told me.  “They kept tossing their feces over at The Flying Monkeys, who were just trying to watch the Sox game and relax.”

The taunting quickly evolved into something much more violent.  The Flying Monkeys, never ones to back down from a fight because of the way their old boss trained them back in The Emerald City, were quickly all over the gorillas like bananas on a sundae.

“I hang out at Monkey Bars for the atmosphere,” Bridget Reilly told me and winced with every word from the facial bruising and lacerations she suffered in the Evolution brawl.  “I didn’t expect the place to go all Congo on me.  I still can’t get the stench of monkey poop out of my hair.”

So why all the monkeyshines between the Monkey Bar patrons?  Is there something in the booze?  Are the various species just not getting along?  I posed these questions to Dr. Magillacutty Shremp, the head of the University of Maine’s Primate Studies Dept.

Monkey beer“I think nothing good could come of serving alcohol to animals,” Dr. Shremp answered coolly.  “Why places such as Monkey Bars even exist is beyond me.  Perhaps humans aren’t as evolved as we thought seeing as how they opened these establishments.”

I’ll leave the last word on this matter to Jolo, one of the most senior Flying Monkeys currently living in Maine.  “You have to think about The Flying Monkeys’ horrible past, Austin, before you judge us.  The Wicked Witch did some seriously #$%^&* up $%^& to us.  We are scarred for life.  We need our alcohol to quell the pain and to kill the memories.  If that leads to some brawling, then so be it.  We’re @#$%^&* animals for @#$% sake.  Animals fight.  This is all @#$$%^&* if you ask me.”

Okay.  On that note, I think I’m going to wrap up this article.  Enough monkey business for one night, wouldn’t you agree?  I had no idea Flying Monkeys cursed like that!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to Maine Closes All Monkey Bars After Another Drunken Flying Monkey Brawl

  1. jaklumen says:

    Leaving a question-type comment for the Oregonian regular (mudlips) here: Could a Monkey Bar Brawl happen in the OTHER Portland? The Portlandia Portland. If the “Keep Portland Weird” motto is supposed to hold true, it should… (although some Californians do not consider Portland, OR, weird enough)

  2. Pingback: Monkey Murderer | myothervoices

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