Z Sues For New Position In The Alphabet

letterpress style alphabetThe letter Z shocked the world today, Modern Philosophers, by filing a lawsuit claiming he is being discriminated against by being forced to remain at the end of the Alphabet.

Z, who is represented by the ACLU (Alphabet Civil Liberties Union) in the matter is suing the other 25 letters of the Alphabet, The Letters & Numbers Commission, the writers of The Alphabet Song, and Zorro.

“For far too long, I have stood by and allowed myself to be pushed to the back of the Alphabet,” Z explained to this Modern Philosopher via Skype.  “I will no longer remain silent, and I demand that I be allowed to locate elsewhere in the list of letters.”

ZDoesn’t Z feel that being last is a place of honor?  “That worked on me for the longest time, Austin,” Z answered with anger in his voice.  “You know who loved to use that argument the most?  A.  The world has to be a sunnier place when you’re at the front of the pack, the first letter out school kids’ mouths when they recite the Alphabet, and the symbol of greatness in scholastics.”

Wow!  I had never even thought of it that way.  I guess you never understand a letter’s plight until you’ve walked a mile in its position in the Alphabet.

“What my client seeks isn’t anything outlandish,” stated Amelia Zane, the lead attorney heading up the ACLU team.  “All Z wants is to move a little further up in the order.  He has brought up the rear for far too long.  Now it’s time for someone else to be the butt of the jokes and the last in line.”

ABC movingAccording to Zane, there is legal precedence for the request.  “W used to be known as Upside Down M up until the mid-1830s.  W not only successfully sued for a name change, but he also got repositioned away from M so that he could have his own identity.”

The first thing that caught my attention in all this was that letters have genders.  Are all letters male?  “No, Austin, just the consonants,” Z replied.  “The vowels are all female.”

So where does that leave Y?  “Where does it indeed?” Z countered with a chuckle.

And W used to be called “Upside Down M”????  Crazy!

As for the other letters in the Alphabet, they apparently aren’t too crazy about this lawsuit and Z’s desire to mess with the order of things.  The letters who were willing to speak to this Modern Philosopher for this article did so under the condition of anonymity.

Z Sues For New Position In The Alphabet | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Who does Z think he is?  The Alphabet has a certain logic and order to it.  We can’t just go moving letters around every time someone isn’t happy.  Then it would all just be this giant mishmash of chaos.  That’s not acceptable!”

“Not for nothing, but Z got his payoff when they assigned point values in Scrabble,” an angry letter told me.  “He got his worth set at 10 points, and I didn’t hear him bitching when that happened.  Shut up and accept your place.”

“I’m not exactly thrilled where I was assigned,” whined a third letter.  “The letters around me stink, they’re rude, and they never shut up.  But I don’t go out and sue to get myself moved elsewhere.  I am where I am.”

And what’s the deal with suing Zorro?  “Zorro cuts a version of my client into his adversaries and Z has never once been compensated for this use of his likeness,” Z’s attorney explained.  “He feels this helps to promote the culture of discrimination against him, and it says that it is okay to do whatever you want to my client without his permission or the expectation of punishment.  That all ends here.”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Are you pro or anti-Z on this matter?  Do you believe letters have the right to sue for a new place in the Alphabet?  Would you want to have to relearn the Alphabet Song at this point in your life should Z win his case?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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76 Responses to Z Sues For New Position In The Alphabet

  1. iamfunny2 says:

    I think Z has zero chance of winning this suit, but good luck anyway. I’m pro-Z.

    • Austin says:

      Ironic that you should pick a word that starts with Z to describe Z’s chances. I hear Jay-Z is going to right a song for the cause. That should help raise awareness.

  2. floridaborne says:

    Z is bent from jealousy. Doesn’t he know that all the first letters of the alphabet are jealous of him? They’re the ones always called on first in school. “A” might stand for Athena, but Zeus starts with Z. If the head honcho of ancient heavenly times sees his value, why can’t Z? It could be worse, he could be an N as in negative, nothing, or none.

  3. I would rather be at the end then in the middle

  4. ksbeth says:

    i think that ms zane may have some underlying scores to settle, as no, doubt, she was always called last as a child.

  5. grannyK says:

    Well, maybe we can start writing the alphabet in a circular pattern. That way, it’s hard to tell who is first and who is last.

  6. navery101 says:

    As long as Z doesn’t get too many zzzzzz’s on the job he might be able to pull it off!

  7. KaufmansKavalkade says:

    Zero is suing Number One for being called “big,fat” one to many times.

  8. jaklumen says:

    I think Z’s case won’t go well considering he was in that Webster vs. Oxford case on whether he was supposed to be pronounced “zee” or “zed”.

  9. Catherine Johnson says:

    Z needs a holiday in New Zealand.

  10. Taylor Eaton says:

    Haha the scrabble bit really ties it together, I think

    • Austin says:

      Well, you always have to cover both side of the story, you know? Besides, I love playing Scrabble…

      • chazdesimone says:

        I love Scrabble and Monopoly. To give my aging mother some fun, I played a game of Scrabble once with her and purposely allowed myself to miss some opportunities, so she could win. Well…I had to catch up real fast, as my mom grew up on a farm and knew dozens of words (legit, no less) that I had never heard of. I lost the game!

        So now I stick to Monopoly where I’m known as the slumlord.

  11. Well, you certainly got me thinking. I would hope that Z has a chance. Why not let it move? Besides, it’s a pretty cool letter. Pleasure to discover you through Susie.

  12. susielindau says:

    SUE!!! Z has been bullied to the back of the line for too long. It’s time.
    Thanks for coming to the party! Have fun clicking on links and saying hello! Maybe you’ll “pick up” a few new subscribers! Party on my friend…

  13. kerbey says:

    With Z’s only neighbor being transgender/bisexual or whatever it is, I can see how Z is getting frustrated and resorting to litigation. But Z needs to remember that we save the best for last. 26th place seems pretty good in the scheme of things, especially when comparing it to Chinese characters.

  14. Pingback: Dyslexics Advise Z That He Is #1 In Their Hearts | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  15. List of X says:

    If this case ever becomes a class-action lawsuit, X will join it to at least get the place in the top 10. 🙂

  16. themofman says:

    The outcome of the case should be interesting. I hear that there’s a similar class action suit in Japan in which all of the phonetic elements in the katakana and hiragana are demanding that pyo not share a place in the same tables as them. That court battle could get really ugly.

  17. chazdesimone says:

    Z may be last, but you are first. After leaving my comment at Susie’s party, I scanned the room to see who looked interesting. Well, not only do I like the letter Z (the last letter of the alphabet is the last letter of my name–Chaz– and I wouldn’t want it anywhere else) but your story fits well with my site, AmperArt. That features the ampersand, and the letter Z wasn’t always the last letter of our alphabet — & was. Here’s a fact about that, and why it’s called “ampersand”: http://amperart.com/index.php/about-ampersand/

    I’m a typographer and designer, Austin (hey, the first letter of the alphabet is the first letter of your name!) so I really enjoy your story about the pending lawsuit and also all the wonderful graphics.

  18. lmarieallen says:

    As someone whose last name begins with “A”, I would have gladly let “Z” lead the pack when I had to do those awful presentations in front of the entire class in high school. Be careful what you wish for, Z!

  19. tedstrutz says:

    H… as in Hilarious!!! Pro Z…

  20. Susie sent me…Z is for Zealand where I live – New Zealand, as in NZ (pronounced “En Zed”). Definitely needs primacy! 🙂

  21. firecook says:

    Hi Thanks for liking a post of mine and Z you can put me to sleep ZZZZ so deal with it and accept where you are:) Just kidding Have a nice day.. This is really creative;)

  22. D. Parker says:

    Shocking…and in Canada, we’d call him Zed (yup, we pronounce things different like up here in The Great White North). 🙂

  23. jan says:

    Definitely pro-Z! If W can reinvent himself (herself?) why not Z?

  24. Anita Stout says:

    Laughed out loud and so did my husband. He was happy to hear why Zorro was named in the suit since without Zorro no one would even care about Z. Great post!

  25. heatherjacksonwrites says:

    This is freaking hilarious! Love, love, love Y’s sexual identity conundrum and how Z should be happy because he earns high Scrabble points. And the Zorro tie-in at the end – brilliant!

  26. I vote for ZAP as the first three letters of the alphabet. :o)

  27. kauaiartist says:

    Thank you so much for liking my poem Alex in Wonderland on my blog WordMusic. I take that as a great compliment!
    Brent Kincaid

  28. womanpulse says:

    Your mind is a very active, strange place isn’t it? I bet you and Stephen King would get along great. I would not like to be an A, as I don’t desire to be in the front. Maybe somewhere around l-o-m-an-n-o

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