At 12:13pm, Brewer Police responded to a frantic 911 call from a Dairy Queen employee stating that the little shack on Wilson St had been overrun by Zombies.
“Zombies, Zombies, Zombies, ice cream, Zombies, Zombies,” that’s what Michelle Byram, a passerby, told this Modern Philosopher she saw when she passed the Dairy Queen on her usual lunchtime stroll. “I was in such a zone, listening to my music, enjoying the day, and I only looked up because I saw all the police cars. That’s when I noticed dozens of Zombies covered in ice cream around the little red building.”
By the time Michelle had stumbled upon this bizarre sight, 25 Police Officers and Zombie Hunters had arrived on the scene. Zombies were dispatched faster than the soft serve ice cream could melt under the blazing Summer sun.
“It was like one of those clown cars you see in the circus,” Tyrone Saunders, a licensed Maine Zombie Hunter, told this Modern Philosopher about his thoughts around fifteen minutes into the incident. “We were killing Zombies left and right, but more and more of them came tumbling out of the Dairy Queen, covered in ice cream and entrails.”
Thankfully, none of the employees were injured or bitten in the attack. “It was the strangest thing,” Rachel Green told me as she shivered beneath the blanket given to her by an EMT. “I was writing a message on a birthday cake, and when I looked up, there were like two dozen Zombies coming out of the woods out back. They move so damn slowly that we were able to get away, but it was still totally freaky to be that close to them.”
Authorities still are not sure what led to the sudden surprise appearance of such a large Zombie presence. The Maine Zombie Census Bureau has yet to issue an official statement, but my sources tell me they were totally unaware that a Zombie herd that size was anywhere near the Brewer area.
“I would imagine it was the heat,” Gunther Dobbs, another Zombie Hunter told me. “It’s got to get to the undead just as much as it gets to the living, right? The sun ain’t any less hot just because you ain’t alive.”
I had no idea Zombies liked ice cream.
“I don’t think Zombies have a sweet tooth,” Professor George Pegg, the Head of the University of Maine’s Zombie Studies Department opined to this Modern Philosopher. “I believe they were overwhelmed by the heat and sought out the colder temperatures they could sense were inside the Dairy Queen. It is my belief that Zombies are drawn to the cold, hence the huge Zombie population in Maine.”
Eight year old Jimmy Scully had the best theory of all. “I think the Zombies wanted to eat the Dairy Queen so that they could have a Zombie Queen. And they wanted to have ice cream for dessert to celebrate.”
I’m not exactly sure what happened at the Brewer Dairy Queen today, Modern Philosophers, but I assure you that the Zombie Apocalypse has been averted and the ice cream has been saved.
It just might be awhile before I use the term “brain freeze” again without cringing…