“God is not pleased at the news regarding Tim Tebow’s being cut by the New England Patriots,” Pope Francis announced from the balcony of The Vatican.
The Pontiff continued, “God promises a wrath of Biblical proportions and made it clear that it would be Old Testament wrath, not the New Testament variety. He is very upset with the entire Patriots organization and has already taken steps to make it clear how angry he is about this move.”
The video screen in St. Peter’s Square then cut to live coverage of Gillette Stadium, the home of the Patriots. As you can see from the photo on the left, it has been covered in snow by an epic August blizzard that shows no sign of letting up.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft had no comment when this Modern Philosopher called to inquire about God’s wrath and the decision to cut Tebow.
My sources inside the Patriots organization, however, tell me that Kraft in on his private jet en route to Vatican City to beg Pope Francis for an audience.
“Tell God that I’m the Head Coach of the New England Patriots, and only I decide who makes the roster and who gets cut. Tim was a great guy, and a hard worker, but he can’t throw for @#$% so he got the axe.”
Belichick then sent me the photo on the left and wrote under it: “Tell God I’ve got way more Super Bowl rings than He does”.
Tim Tebow was not available for comment, but I promise to keep on top of this story and let you know what he says once I’ve spoken to him.