Patriots Face Wrath Of God After Cutting Tim Tebow

TebowGod has made it known via a spokesperson that the New England Patriots shall now face His wrath after the team cut Tim Tebow, the popular quarterback, from its roster.

“God is not pleased at the news regarding Tim Tebow’s being cut by the New England Patriots,” Pope Francis announced from the balcony of The Vatican.

The Pontiff continued, “God promises a wrath of Biblical proportions and made it clear that it would be Old Testament wrath, not the New Testament variety.  He is very upset with the entire Patriots organization and has already taken steps to make it clear how angry he is about this move.”

Gillette snowThe video screen in St. Peter’s Square then cut to live coverage of Gillette Stadium, the home of the Patriots.  As you can see from the photo on the left, it has been covered in snow by an epic August blizzard that shows no sign of letting up.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft had no comment when this Modern Philosopher called to inquire about God’s wrath and the decision to cut Tebow.

My sources inside the Patriots organization, however, tell me that Kraft in on his private jet en route to Vatican City to beg Pope Francis for an audience.

bill-belichickI was able to get a hold of Patriot’s Head Coach Bill Belichick, who was as defiant as ever.

“Tell God that I’m the Head Coach of the New England Patriots, and only I decide who makes the roster and who gets cut.  Tim was a great guy, and a hard worker, but he can’t throw for @#$% so he got the axe.”

Belichick then sent me the photo on the left and wrote under it: “Tell God I’ve got way more Super Bowl rings than He does”.

Tim Tebow was not available for comment, but I promise to keep on top of this story and let you know what he says once I’ve spoken to him.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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18 Responses to Patriots Face Wrath Of God After Cutting Tim Tebow

  1. nicoleep says:

    I can’t stand Belichick. God or the Pope could take his place. I wouldn’t mind.

  2. Coach B may have more Super Bowl rings, but Francis has more Pope Rings.

  3. iamjjstone says:

    It goes without saying that this should totally be on The Onion…but I’m saying it anyway.

  4. abbybyrd says:

    I love!!!! Great one!

  5. Oh ye Catholic school boy…be careful or the nuns may show up on your doorstep….and they could be armed. (Okay, so it’s a crucifix, Bible, rosary and holy water, but I’ve heard that being tied down to your bed while folks perform exorcisms are not very fun and involve some pain…especially if there’s nothing there to exorcise except your warped mind!)

  6. @Kitt Crescendo You got that right. Armageddon makes for a really messy living room.

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