Pope Francis To Help Deliver Babies on Labor Day

Pope Francis I, by far the most popular head of the Catholic Church in centuries, is going to celebrate Labor Day in a unique way.

Known as “The Partying Pontiff” for his love of holiday celebrations, Pope Francis plans to spend Labor Day in an undisclosed hospital in Rome helping women in labor to deliver their babies!

Is that safe?  Does the Pope know his way around a delivery room?  “Don’t worry, Austin,” the Pontiff assured this Modern Philosopher via Skype earlier this afternoon.  “I’m not actually going to be getting my hands dirty, and telling the lucky mother when it’s time to push.  I’m just there as a comfort, and to see if I can convince the proud parents to name the baby Francis or Frances…”

That sense of humor makes me not so upset about being a Catholic.  Why won’t he announce at which hospital he’ll be?

“We didn’t think that would be fair or safe,” Pope Francis explained.  “We wouldn’t want all the women in labor to go to that hospital in hopes that I would be there for the delivery.  We want it to be a surprise, too.”

What if the laboring mother to be isn’t a Catholic?  “I’m available for all faiths as long as I’m welcome in the room,” he replied.  “Who wouldn’t want a Pope around for a little luck, am I right?  I mean, I do have some connections with the Big OB Upstairs.”

This Modern Philosopher almost spit up his Snapple all over his toga upon hearing God referred to as “The Big OB Upstairs”.  This is certainly not my Evil Step Mother’s Pope!

For those of you new to the blog, Pope Francis has been celebrating all the major holidays in a unique fashion since he was elected to lead the Catholic Church.  He had an Open House at The Vatican on St Patrick’s Day, Dan Brown was brought in to plan The Vacation Easter Egg Hunt, Memorial Day saw The Vatican hosting a softball tournament and barbecue, while The Pope played host to a Fourth of July fireworks bonanza after an all day concert by Bruce Springsteen.  He truly is The Partying Pontiff.

So why this for Labor Day?  “There is nothing more amazing than a new life entering this world,” Pope Francis answered with an enormous smile.  “And while I know this isn’t the true meaning of the Labor Day holiday, I thought it would be a sweet way to honor the hardest workers in the world… mothers.  Plus, even a Pope loves too see a newborn baby.”

My sources in Rome (yes, I have people everywhere) tell me the city is abuzz about the Pope’s big announcement.  Women are reportedly looking for ways to induce labor so that they might have the chance of giving birth in the Pope’s presence.  I was also told of one woman about to go into labor, who actually tried not to give birth because she wanted to hold off until tomorrow.

She did give birth tonight, though, to a beautiful baby boy named Francis.

I would like to wish you all a Happy Labor Day, Modern Philosophers!  You work so hard over the course of the year, so be sure to relax tomorrow and enjoy the day.  You certainly have earned it.