Jump Start Your Brain: You Don’t Know Jack…O’ Lanterns!

Jack o' LanternHappy Saturday, Modern Philosophers!  I just woke up from a very odd dream about a flood in the basement of my childhood home.  My brain isn’t awake yet for me to even try to analyze that one, though.

Hence, my getting out the big battery and preparing for a  jump start.  Anyone else need a few volts of Deep Thoughts to get the old gray matter firing on all cylinders this beautiful Fall morning?

I think you know how this works.  When I need to get the cranial juices flowing, I find some odd topic over which to obsess, and then I bombard my brain with questions about it.  Are you ready to play along at home?  You might want to put on safety goggles and a protective vest of some sort over your toga before you begin…

jacks offWhat’s the deal with Jack o’Lanterns?  Did people have an issue with Irish Pumpkin Men back in the day?  Why would you want to put a severed pumpkin head on your porch?  More over, what would possess you to carve out the insides and then shove a candle in the there?  What the hell did they do with the rest of the body?

Why do they always look so terrifying?  Do they just accurately capture the last look on the poor Pumpkin Person’s face before the head was detached from the body?  Were Pumpkin People once such a threat to mankind that beheadings were held on a regular basis?  Were the Pumpkin People that generation’s version of Witches, and singled out for such treatment because the rest of society just didn’t understand them?

Why do Jack o’Lanterns have such horrible teeth?  Is this because of their Irish heritage?  Did Pumpkin People die out as a race because of poor dental hygiene?  Or are they just gone now because all the decapitations made it impossible to reproduce?

jackWhat is the proper way to dispose of the pumpkin head innards?  Does one keep them as a trophy like a typical serial killer?  When I’m eating pumpkin pie, am I helping to get rid of what’s left of the Pumpkin Person’s corpse?  Has my taste for pumpkin pie made me an unwitting accessory to murder all these years?  Does anyone know a good defense lawyer?

This little exercise has given me so much to think about.  I’m not sure if I’ve jump started my brain, but I’ve definitely got my anxiety glands pumping at full force.

What have I done?  I feel like I’ve opened a real can of pumpkin pie filling here.

JumpstartJack o’Lanterns are just cute, harmless Autumn decorations, right?  They’re supposed to make us smile and think of Halloween, yes?  There’s nothing sinister about a glowing replica of a head with an evil smile and eyes that always seem to be watching me, correct?

Maybe I should just go back to bed and try this over again on Sunday…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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23 Responses to Jump Start Your Brain: You Don’t Know Jack…O’ Lanterns!

  1. floridaborne says:

    Pumpkins are good for one thing: Pumpkin pie. What’s left of the jack o lantern after Halloween is only good for compost if you have a garden. I’m still pissed that summer is over.

  2. What a novel idea, I must try the next time the brain seizes up on me, 🙂 Perhaps I can answer some of those questions you raised, check out http://edmooneyphoto.wordpress.com/2012/10/. Hope you enjoy,

    Eddie 🙂

  3. I believe I am the last of the pumpkin people. Thanks to this post I must go back into hiding and take up another new identity. For a man pretending to be nothing more than a thoughtful blogger, you sure do seem to know an awful lot about the Pumpkin pogroms of the mezo-squashic period. Very suspicious, sir, quite quizzical indeed.

  4. cat9984 says:

    The pumpkins used for jack-o-lanterns are not the same type as those used for pies. So relax. You’re not a abetting a crime. The police won’t come after you. But the witches might for making fun of their friends.

  5. ksbeth says:

    omg, the pumpkin cheesecake i make must be a felony then )

  6. Renchick says:

    I like to carve them, then roast them on a spit with an apple in their mouth…

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