Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Captains & A General Nuisance

The highest rated talk show set on a front porch in Maine is back, Modern Philosophers!

It’s a gorgeous night, so we had to squeeze in another edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch” just so we could take advantage of this awesome weather.  Rock on, Rocktober!

As always, I have two celebrity guests, who have a vague connection.  They get to ask each other only one question, and I have the best job in show business because all I have to do is sit here, drink my Snapple, and enjoy the conversation.

Are you ready to meet tonight’s guest?  He’s the star of comic books and blockbuster movies.  Please welcome Captain America!  He’s sailed the Seven Seas in everything from a row boat to an aircraft carrier.  Please welcome Captain Crunch!

The Captains saluted me and then each other.  Captain America took the seat to my right, while Captain Crunch dropped anchor in the seat to my left.

“We just want to warn you, Austin,” Crunch said with mischief in his voice, ” that your interns suggested we come up with silly questions.  Brace yourself.”

I chuckled and then made a mental note to call U Maine tomorrow in search of new interns.  I didn’t really do that, but I just wanted to be able to see the reactions on my interns’ faces when they read that sentence.

Captain Crunch cleared his throat loudly as Captain America fought to hide a smile.  These two were going to be Major trouble (bad pun intended!).

“Captain America, I look at you and I see myself at your age.  The resemblance is uncanny.  Aren’t you excited that you have this to look forward to?”  Crunch stood up and struck a modeling pose.  Captain America burst out in laughter and tapped his shield on the porch in delight.

“There are so many questions I could ask about the upcoming movies, your comic book past, what it’s like to travel from World War II to the current day, but I’m going to bypass all those obvious queries,” Captain Crunch announced.  “Instead, I’ll ask you this: With Halloween quickly approaching, which of The Avengers would you most like to dress up as to go trick or treating?”

I loved it!  This talk show needs to be this unpredictable.  The interns can stay.

“I was going to say you let me off easy by skipping those other questions,” the man in the red, white, and blue outfit to my right began, “but this one is a total trap.  No matter what I answer, I’m going to have some really upset superheroes on my hands.  Can I answer that I’d go as The Modern Philosopher?”

I had to point out that I had not yet been made a member of The Avengers.  Captain America snapped his fingers in feigned disappointment.

“I’ll have to say Iron Man then,” he finally replied with a childlike twinkle in his eyes.  “That armor is awesome and it makes Tony look pretty bad ass.  I think I’d like to take that out for a spin, if only for Halloween.”

I applauded the answer and popped the top off my second bottle of Snapple.  I really loved my job on nights like this.

“As for you, Captain Crunch, I was going to ask about your greatest military adventures, but that’s too obvious,” Captain A informed him with a smirk.  “Austin’s readers deserve to know something about you that they can’t find on their own by doing a Google search.  So my question is aimed at exposing the real man underneath that really cool uniform.”

“Bring it on,” Crunch urged him with a wave.  “I’m an open book.”

“What’s your favorite cereal aside from your own?”  Captain America raised an eyebrow and tried to look severely serious.

“I honestly don’t know if anyone has ever asked me that question,” Crunch replied as he twirled his mustache.  “Everyone just assumes I only eat the cereal named after me.  Excellent question.”

“If I get into trouble at work for answering him will you put me up, Austin?”

I assured Captain Crunch that the door of The House on the Hill was always open to him.  I’d have the interns clear the files out of the guest bedroom and get it ready for him as quickly as need be.

“As long as I have your word, I’ll answer my friend’s question,” Crunch said as took a long look at my house as if sizing it up as his future residence.  “I absolutely love Frosted Flakes.  I could eat two bowls in a sitting on a good morning.  They’re beyond great.  I’d classify them as freaking fantabulous.  In fact, I’d give anything for a bowl right now!”

I handed one of the interns a five dollar bill, and sent her off to the grocery store to get a box of Tony the Tiger’s finest for my new pal.

Now that the two questions were out of the way, we could talk about the more serious stuff.  Man, I cannot wait to see The New Avengers flick based on what Captain America told me about the plot.  It’s going to be epic!

Thanks for coming over, Modern Philosophers.  I promise to have to you all back on the porch again real soon.  Good night!