Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Chick Magnets & An Egghead

three chairs“Three Chairs on a Porch” is back, Modern Philosophers, and I promise that Maine’s fastest growing talk show is going to be a real riot tonight!

As always, I welcomed two celebrities with a vague connection to join me on the front porch of The House on the Hill.  They get to ask each other one question, and I sit between them, look handsome, and enjoy their conversation.

My interns had exams today, so tonight’s guests weren’t as carefully screened as usual.  This Modern Philosopher/Host was, therefore, put into harm’s way and the interns’ reviews will definitely include a long passage about tonight’s ugly incident.

After all that build up, are you ready to meet tonight’s guest?  Come right on up and find a place to sit on the lawn.  Let’s have a nice Maine greeting for Colonel Sanders and The San Diego Chicken!

This was the first time that my guests needed to be escorted onto the porch to keep them from attacking each other.  Colonel Sanders certainly was not displaying the expected Southern charm, and the Chicken was being fowler (HA!) than I thought possible.

colonel-sandersThe Colonel sat in the chair to my right, while the bird flipped him the bird from the chair on my left.  The Chicken got right down to it.

“Why?  Just tell me that,” he demanded angrily.  “How could you build an empire on chicken bones and bloody feathers?  Can you even answer me, you old fart?”

I offered both parties a Snapple in an attempt to defuse the situation, but neither party even looked at me.  Their eyes were locked in an intense stare down.

I jokingly scolded The Chicken for asking two more questions than allowed, but he wasn’t paying attention to me.  I chugged my Snapple and prayed for the best.

Colonel Sanders tightened his grip on his walking stick, and rather than answer his adversary’s question, launched into one of his own.

SD chicken“How long do you reckon it would take me to pluck ya, gut ya, cover ya with herbs and spices, and deep fry ya so I can serve y’all finger lickin’ good to this wonderful crowd who came here tonight to be entertained and not lectured by ya on the morality of providing a wholesome meal at a reasonable price?  Answer that, Chicken Little!”

It happened so quickly.  My toga was covered in feathers and there was an unreasonable amount of cursing, moaning, and groaning coming from my right.

My guests rolled around on the floor.  The San Diego Chicken was throwing punches faster and harder than Mike Tyson ever did in his ear biting days.

Colonel Sanders was wielding his walking stick like a lethal weapon, and acting like The Chicken was the world’s largest pinata and he was a Southern Gentleman with a wicked sweet tooth.

The interns finally managed to separate them.  On the front lawn, however, the chaos continued.  Sandy Eggans (The Chicken’s groupies) were going at it with the Colonel’s Crew while stunned Modern Philosophers watched in horror.

I finally had to whistle for Gary the Gargoyle to swoop down onto the lawn from the roof to restore order.  No one was passionate enough about the chicken issue to dare mess with a pissed off, stone faced Gargoyle.

Wow!  What a night.  We might have to take a few nights off to recover from this one.  Someone better be here in the morning to work on my lawn.  That’s it for now.  I’m sure we’ll do this again soon…after I get some new interns!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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14 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Chick Magnets & An Egghead

  1. It. Sounds fascinating…

  2. slaiirzone says:

    Sweet lord, here I thought i’d run home from Physics class grab my earned toga, and dash to my spot on the lawn to enjoy a rather genteel conversation between two greats…little did I know i’d be caught up in some serious ruckus. This calls for wine, I am flustered but t’was great, i’ll certainly remember this for a very long time . Hehehe…I have had my dose of amazing.

  3. slaiirzone says:

    Why yes, have a much as you desire. Very spirited fellas you had here tonight.

  4. Renchick says:

    Whew – glad you were not harmed in the great chicken caper!

  5. Micheng says:

    Hahahaha 🙂 thats a funny conversation yet intense.

  6. cat9984 says:

    No. 1 rule in business: never try to do the job of your “subordinate”. They really do know more about it than you do.

  7. I’m with cta9984 here. Great post

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