I Advise You To Use Your Outdoor Voice

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I am in a bit of a bind and hope you can help.  I have been following your blog for many months ever since I wandered in on several of my aides reading it in the office on their lunch break.  They thought I’d be upset at them, but turning me on to your writing has been one of the best things they’ve done for me since I hired them.

I am a member of the United States House of Representatives, and am appalled by this government shutdown.  I’m no one famous.  Not someone you’ll see in front of the cameras pointing a finger and laying blame.  I’m not someone known well enough to be skewered on Saturday Night Live.  I am, however, a man with a vote and a duty to the citizens of this nation.

After reading yesterday’s blog post about how badly Maine needs its Zombie Hunters to return to work, I felt ashamed that I haven’t been able to do more to influence my colleagues and find a solution.

My question to you, Austin, is what can I do?  How can I wrangle these disgruntled men and women and get them to reach a compromise?

My brain is cramped from all the Deep Thoughts I’ve generated on the topic, but I still cannot come up with a solution.  Please advise.


A Friend in the House on Capitol Hill


crowdDear Representative Philosopher,

Thank you for coming to me for advice.  After all, shouldn’t all of our elected officials turn to their constituents for guidance?

Let me start off with a tip for your brain cramps.  I’m working on a theory that thinking about bananas will fight off brain cramps.  Try it, and let me know if it works.

As for how to get your colleagues to listen to you so that you might shepherd them towards a solution, I advise you to use your outdoor voice.

You’ve admitted that you are one of the quiet ones in the background who never gets any TV time or mockery in the media.  It’s time to change that.

Stand up on a desk.  Make a scene.  Whistle.  Yell.  Throw something.  Just get their attention.  Once you have it, scream at them.  Do whatever it takes to hold their attention and get across your message.  Let them think you’re a little crazy, the wild card that might do or say anything.

Tell them what they need to hear.  Threaten.  Cajole.  Embarrass.  Whatever it takes.  Just scream it from the rooftops and get them to listen.

Think about how cool it’s going to look on SNL next week when word gets out you went all ape#$%^, climbed up on a desk, and yelled at everyone.  Which member of the cast do you think will play you?

Remember, the voters didn’t put you in office to be a wallflower.  They elected you to be their booming, impossible to ignore voice in government.

I advise you to find your soapbox and make sure no one in the House ever forgets your message or the sound of your voice.

Good luck!

Your Friend at The House on the Hill

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I Advise You To Use Your Outdoor Voice

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