Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Former Coworkers & An Innocent Bystander

three chairsModern Philosophers, welcome to an impromptu, totally unplanned, and nearly apocalyptic new edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch”, the only Maine talk show set on the front porch of The House on the Hill.

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest (which makes today’s choice of guests extremely ironic) and we did not have a new show on the agenda, but here we are.

As I noted on the blog last night, The Devil turned The House on the Hill into a Demonic Frat House as he hosted a football viewing party.  When I woke up today, Lucifer was sound asleep on the couch in the living room.  I didn’t mind that so much because I knew it meant I could force him to clean up his mess.

What I did not foresee, as I am a Modern Philosopher and not a psychic, was the guest who would knock on my door right after I stirred Satan from his slumber.

It was the Archangel Rachel, the most beautiful being I’ve ever met.  And sworn enemy of Lucifer, the Fallen Angel waking up on my couch.

Technically, they are duty bound to fight each other to the death should they ever cross paths.  Luckily, we had reached a tentative agreement that should they ever run into each other at The House on the Hill, peace would prevail.

This was the first time they were at my house at the same time, though, so I wasn’t sure what would happen.  Sure enough, Rachel drew her flaming sword and Lucifer reached for his mighty pitchfork.

That was when I called a timeout and suggested we do an episode of “Three Chairs” and avoid a confrontation of Biblical proportions.  I was relieved that both parties agreed to those terms.  Phew!

Rachel chose to sit to my right and ask the first question.  Lucifer sat on my left.  For those of you who don’t know how it works, my guests, who always have something vaguely in common, get to ask each other just one question.  I sit between them, drink my Snapple, and listen in on their conversation.  Simple, right?  Not today…

Devil“I’m surprised you’re not wearing the blue dress that you’re so famous for, Lucifer, but then again, it’s obvious you didn’t expect to be a talk show guest today,” Rachel began with vengeance in her usually soft, comforting voice.  “I have so many questions for you, but since I’m only allowed the one, I’ll go with: How does it feel to be an independent contractor who spends all his energy undoing the work done by your mentor and the former coworkers who used to trust you, look up to you, and think you could do no wrong?”

The Devil glared angrily across the porch at his former friend and colleague.  I felt so uncomfortable that I chugged the rest of my Snapple and opened a second.

“I wasn’t given a choice,” The Devil answered with hellfire and brimstone in his voice.  “I was thrown out of Heaven, cast aside by the Boss, and literally told to go to Hell.  I don’t remember any of my supposed friends being all Jerry Maguire about it and agreeing to grab the goldfish and come with me.  I had to fend for myself, and fueled by abandonment issues and bitterness, I decided that my new calling in life was to upset the perfect little applecart that you halo polishers took such pride in pushing all over the world.”

“Perfect little applecart?  Halo polishers?”  Rachel rose from her seat with her flaming sword at the ready.  “Why don’t you come over here and so those things to my face?”

Satan flashed her a devilish grin.  “Those are three more questions than she is allotted, Austin,” he pointed out to me.  “I assume that means she get disqualified.”

I explained that this was a talk show, not a game show, so there was no winner or loser.  I asked Rachel to put away her weapon, gave Satan a Snapple, and urged them both to settle down and remember it was Sunday.

Angel Rachel“I’ll ask my question now,” The Devil announced and then took a long sip of his beverage.  “How does it feel, Rachel, knowing that the only reason you have your lofty position is because of affirmative action, and that God and the other Archangels really didn’t want to let you into their little boys’ club?”

I’ve already mentioned once in this article that Rachel is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes upon, so to tell you that she had the ugliest look on her face after that question should tell you how upset she was.

I closed my eyes and prayed.  Please don’t let the Apocalypse begin on the front porch of The House on the Hill at this very moment.  Lead us not into temptation and all that.

“It doesn’t really matter how I got my job, Satan,” she really made a play of having that name drip with hatred, anger, and venom.  I knew for a fact that she always referred to her old friend as “Lucifer”, so calling him back that name really had to hurt The Prince of Darkness seated to my left.

“All I know if that I’ve managed to keep the job for ages while distinguishing myself in the process,” she continued.  “The Lord is my Shepherd and I serve at His convenience.  I’d polish the Pearly Gates all day if that’s what He asked of me because I do not question anything He says or does.  Life’s a lot simpler that way, Hellboy.”

Rachel muttered something in Latin and then vanished.  I turned to The Devil in stunned confusion, my high school Latin being a bit rusty.

“She said, ‘Another time and another place, and you would have stolen your last soul from Him’.  Rach always had a flair for the dramatic.  Let’s go inside and clean up my mess.”

He went back into the house, but I remained on the porch as if I wanted to do another edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch” with my guests being Peace and Sanity.

Thanks for joining us on the porch.  I promise to have you over again real soon…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Former Coworkers & An Innocent Bystander

  1. Another great blog. You are very talented. Many blessings to you, Barbara

  2. cat9984 says:

    Rachel doesn’t have an issue with you spending the night with the devil? No wonder you don’t go to church some Sundays – I imagine the nuns would not be so lenient.

  3. Renchick says:

    You should approach Snapple to sponsor your blog 🙂 Funny post!

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