The Handyman Can’t

klutzI’m a writer, not a do it yourself kind of guy, Modern Philosophers.

I know it’s hard to believe, but the only reason I ever wear a hard hat is to protect myself from my own klutziness.  When I need something done around the house, I am the last person I call.

Luckily for me, the neighbor is very handy and doesn’t mind helping me out when I am unable to have one of my Witch friends come over and use Magic to solve the problem.

I do have a tool box, but it’s set up like a safety deposit box or the launch panel for nuclear weapons.  I have one key to open the safe where my tool box is kept, and The Girl Who Handles My Tools, my next door neighbor, and the Chief of Police all have a copy of the second key.  I cannot access my tool box unless one of them is here and agrees to let me get to it.

DevilWith Winter on the horizon, I’ve been fretting over how much it costs to keep The House on the Hill warm and toasty.  You’d think that with The Devil were here so much, he’d do something to heat the place, but he claims he cannot bring Hellfire into my home without running the risk of damning my soul.  Whatever!

So, I decided to be a man of action.  I dug out an old “put up plastic on the windows to winterize your house” kit and figured I’d give it a shot.  Yes, I remembered how stressful it was the last time I used the kit.  Yes, there was a lot of cursing involved.  Plastic might have been cut crooked.  Curses might have rattled around the rafters.  I vaguely recall burning myself with the hair dryer.

Despite all that, I hitched up my toga and decided to get to work.  Luckily, my tool box was not required.  All I needed was scissors and that infamous hairdryer.  The double sided tape and plastic was included in the kit.

o daysI put “Revolution” on the TV so I had some noise while I worked.  Thought it would be ironic to watch a show about life after the lights went out while I was trying to get my Amish on.

If I was writing about putting up plastic on the windows, I could give you a thriller, a comedy, or even a horror screenplay about the process without a problem.

Actually getting the plastic on the windows was going to be the hardest thing I had to accomplish all weekend.   Yes, I have a college degree, an impressive IQ, and an imagination that makes people want to pony up millions of dollars to turn my stories into movies.  Yet I don’t have the ability to cut a piece of plastic and shrinky dink it to my window.

safetyIt’s very frustrating.  So much so that I felt I wasn’t worthy of my toga.  I tried to take it off, but it was stuck to my skin with double sided tape.  Ugh!

Somehow, perhaps because Zeus took pity on me, I managed to get plastic on all three windows.  Of course, the hair dryer is now trapped between the plastic and the glass of the window on the left, but I had no plans to blow dry my hair at least until Spring.

Yes, Modern Philosophers, I wish I was more handy.  The thing I’m choosing to focus on right now, though, is that I stepped out of my comfort zone and took on a project without anyone around to assist.  Sure, it probably took me much longer than it should have.  Yes, the plastic looks like it was hung by a crazy person.  Obviously, the amount of cursing that took place would fill enough sweat jobs to put a dent in the National Debt.

But I did it.  I was handy, man.

peppers3Bonus fact: I also made stuffed peppers today.  Hadn’t made them in years.  Didn’t have a recipe.  Don’t have a cookbook in the house.  I just trusted my memory and my instincts and made an old favorite.

I even managed to take a photo of the result of my hard work.  What do you think?  Want to come over for dinner?

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, Modern Philosophers.  I feel like a different man.  Ever since that drunk dragon knocked out the power on Monday night, I haven’t been the same.

I’m not going to try to solve the mystery tonight.  I’m just going to relax and enjoy a quiet evening in my (hopefully) warmer living room.  Happy Saturday!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to The Handyman Can’t

  1. kevinmckague says:

    I have learned two important lessons in my many years of home ownership:
    Home Depot sells candy in their check-out lanes, and Lowe’s does not.
    Actually, it might be the other way around.
    Shoot.

  2. slaiirzone says:

    Well done!mission accomplished and treats to you– the pepps look delish!

  3. floridaborne says:

    The only thing I don’t like about Revolution is the paring of “patriot” with “Illuminati.” Patriots believe in the constitutional principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (or the pursuit of putting your own plastic around your windows). The Illuminati want to rule the world. A very different viewpoint. 🙂

    There’s no shame in being klutzy. How many writers are great at creating stories but have no hope of fixing a toilet?

    • Austin says:

      I don’t think the Illuminati guys are Patriots. They’re just pretending to be.

      Speaking of fixing the toilet, last year I bought a new toilet seat, but for the life of me, could not get the old one off. My neighbor had to help, and even he had problems since the bolts on the old one were rusted.

      I managed to get the new one on, but it’s a little lopsided. That’s the “Austin touch” I guess. 🙂

  4. Aussa Lorens says:

    I briefly considered trying this a few years ago. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

    I would totally have gotten the blow dryer stuck to the window. I tried to use a screwdriver earlier (failed) but then also couldn’t figure out how to stick it back in the toolbox. So I just left it awkwardly half open for someone else to deal with.

  5. I wish I was a handyman lady whatever. It would be so much less expensive.
    I wouldn’t have to hire people to come fix things…and I would have more money as a result.
    That would be nice.

  6. genext13 says:

    It is not called a hard hat, it is a safety helmet. I see kids at the grocery store wearing them all the time. I think it is to keep their extra large brains from toppling them over. I am not very handy but I can walk into the garage without cutting off various body parts.
    The Home Depot over here has an ice cram bar machine. Lowe’s here has candy but is not very good at keeping track of their merchandise. I have gone through checkout twice with an item (2 different items) that did not scan and the cashier had not clue what to do since the items did not show any record of existing in their inventory. (There might be a story in there somewhere.)

  7. cat9984 says:

    couldn’t you bribe one of your interns to install the plastic?

  8. ksbeth says:

    now that you’ve gotten the best of that plastic, who knows what dragon you can slay next –

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