Analysts Baffled By Maine’s Egg And Toilet Paper Shortage

rollsApparently, Maine has caught the attention of economists and market analysts, Modern Philosophers.

According to a report released on, several of the big brain, number crunching, what’s going on with the economy types are befuddled by the current shortage of eggs and toilet paper in this state.

“It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever,” Edward Mooney, a partner at the market watchdog firm Munney, Mooney, and Monet, told this Modern Philosopher.  “Eggs and toilet paper are staples of all classes, and Maine is a state that produces a large percentage of the eggs its residents eat.  There’s no reason there should be a shortage.”

eggsI was intrigued, so I kept Mr. Mooney on the phone with my long, rambling questions about eggs, toilet paper, and their affects on the American economy.  “When All-American staples begin to disappear from the shelves, economists like myself have to take a step back and theorize on what that means.”

But I don’t understand, Ed.  I was a Film Major.  I don’t get what the deeper meaning of a TP and egg shortage could be!  “We need to determine if those items are in short supply because people are hoarding them, because manufacturers cannot keep up with the demand, or if someone is trying to influence the market by buying up all those items to create a false demand, thereby raising their worth on the open market.”

I wondered just how long I could keep Endearing Ed on the line.  So I asked him if the shortage of eggs could mean that Americans were eating too many chickens, thereby creating a chicken shortage.  Then to really mess with him, I asked if it could mean that chickens were dying off because of some strain of bird flu the CDC didn’t know about yet.

broken egg“I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself, Austin,” Earnest Ed said in a calming voice in an attempt to settle me.  “I wouldn’t go spreading the rumor that there’s a chicken shortage.”

I pressed forward with my wild theory, egging on (sorry, had to go there) poor Mr. Mooney with questions about how a killer chicken flu could be exactly the kind of problem that a firm like his needed to discover in order to save not only the economy, but also the entire human race.  To really pile it on, I shared my theory that the toilet paper shortage was a result of so many people having diarrhea from the outbreak of a highly contagious strain of deadly chicken flu that was spreading like wildfire throughout Maine.

To his credit, he did try to calm me.  “I really think that the egg and toilet paper shortage is the result of some little hiccup in the market’s daily routine.  My guess is that this is a temporary trend that will correct itself and soon be forgotten.”

Like maybe on November 1, Ed?  That would be my guess.

I thanked Mr. Mooney for his time and welcomed him to visit Maine and The House on the Hill any time.  I assured him that I stockpiled toilet paper in my basement, and that I had connections at local farms that ensured I’d always have eggs to scramble up for him should he stop by for breakfast when he was in Maine.

tp houseI’m not sure why I so enjoy messing with people, but this seemed like one of those stories that was begging for my input.

Remember, Modern Philosophers, use your toilet paper and eggs wisely on Halloween.  The internet says there’s a shortage of both…

Happy Halloween!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Analysts Baffled By Maine’s Egg And Toilet Paper Shortage

  1. Thanks, I’ll never take financial advice from M, M & M. Ha!

  2. Eggs-ellent! I love your writing – it actually makes me laugh at loud!

  3. vickivincola says:

    Just sittin here smiling…Funny as hell

  4. ksbeth says:

    hmmm,….this is a mystery each year in my town as well )

  5. Lorra B. says:

    Egging Him on…you just had to! LOL! That was hysterical… Did they ever “crack” the case? Hahahaha! 😳

  6. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    As Halloween quickly approaches, I want to remind all Modern Philosophers to stock up on toilet paper and eggs just in case there’s another shortage like there was last year…

  7. I believe I’ve just dislocated my jaw from laughing. 😀 😀 😀 That’s the s.p.i.r.i.t.

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