Turkeys Seek Asylum At The House On The Hill

turkeyIt was a crisp Autumn day in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and I was still running on the fumes of my Election Day voting high when I got a big dose of reality…

Thanksgiving was on the horizon.

How do I know that?  Because two large turkeys appeared on the front porch of The House on the Hill today.  I thought that perhaps they had shown up to be in the audience of a “Three Chairs on a Porch” installment, but I did not have one scheduled for today.

I have to admit I was a little confused when I approached the large birds and asked them how I could be of service.

The turkey on the left nudged the one on the right, who handed me a slip of paper.  As I unfolded it, I noticed Gary the Gargoyle circling overhead, a sign that he suspected danger was afoot.  I kept one eye on the birds and used the other to read the note.


I looked down at their sad little faces, and knew I had to help.  I didn’t know if I had any legal standing to offer asylum, so I called famed Bangor attorney Cy Brown to get his take on the situation.  “Austin, I’m not as up on Turkey Law as I used to be, but I believe we can go with the basics here.  The House on the Hill is your property, and you can invite any guests you want to stay there.  As long as the are not doing anything illegal, the authorities cannot enter your home to take them away.  Should anyone else show up trying to take the turkeys, you can have them arrested for trespassing.”

embassyIt sounded easy enough.  I didn’t know anything about taking care of turkeys, but then again, I’d never had a Gargoyle before I moved to The House on the Hill.  I just wanted to make sure that these two birds would be the extent of my asylum giving.  I didn’t want word to get around that I had opened an Embassy to which turkeys could flee to avoid becoming Thanksgiving Dinner.

I called my farm owner Witch friend Ti-Diana to ask for help.  She was happy to put a Scentafarin Spell on the house, which would make it emit a scent, noticeable only to turkeys, that would make the property smell like a threat to them.

“It will keep the other turkeys away,” she assured me with a smile as she talked to my turkey guests in a very odd language.  “They want you to know how grateful they are, they promised not to make a mess, and I assured them I would bring over some feed and stop by regularly to chat with them.”

And that was how the Thanksgiving Season began for me.

Guess I’m having ham this year…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Turkeys Seek Asylum At The House On The Hill

  1. Now you have a pig problem. And just do you think you are playing God and deciding which turkeys will live and which will die? Suggest go with vegetable lasagna.

  2. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  3. Love this! Veggie Thanksgiving?

  4. cat9984 says:

    I agree with Carl. If you save two, you have an obligation to the species. You should at least find safe passage to Canada for the others. Their Thanksgiving was last month.

  5. Anarette.com says:

    A vegan Thanksgiving is nice too…

  6. Teepee12 says:

    Around here, wild turkeys attack you, even when you’re in your car. They don’t understand how it just takes one tire. But we take care of them because they are Local Color.

  7. susielindau says:

    Gobble gobble! Sounds like you are building up some really good holiday Karma. Santa will be good to you this year!

  8. Maybe you can refer one to the President so he can pardon it.

  9. Drops of Ink says:

    There will be no Turkey pardon in my house.. the only place of asylum will be a nice warm oven set to cook. 😀

  10. pajarigirls says:

    Poultry is devious…they will get you in your sleep. Kill them before they kill you, I always say.

  11. Joseph Nebus says:

    See, around here, we just have turkeys that work as traffic cops. I’m not insulting the traffic cops here, there was just the one that was very clear about walking in the midst of the road, bringing traffic to a stop, until he was satisfied that it may proceed. It’s the sort of thing that adds charm to a community and time to the commute.

  12. ksbeth says:

    you could go veggie and keep everyone happy )

  13. kalabalu says:

    I am glad that animals and plantations don’t speak..otherwise nobody could eat anything 🙂

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