Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holiday Icons And A Guy Born On Little Christmas

three chairsWelcome back, Modern Philosophers, to the top rated talk show set at The House on the Hill.  After today’s news of Thanksgiving’s lawsuit against Christmas (read all about it here), I had the interns book guests who represented both sides of the legal battle.

As you know, my guests get to ask each other only one question.  Their lawyers will not be present and nothing they might say can be used against them in a court of law.

Please welcome Myles Standish and Santa Claus!

The Pilgrim progressed to the chair on my right and asked the first question before I could get my Snapple out of the cooler.

“Santa Claus, this lawsuit we are bringing against your Holiday reminds me of why we left England for the New World,” he bellowed in a most accusatory tone.  “You are trying to turn the Holiday Season into your personal empire, and we will not stand by idly and allow it to happen.  Do you think it’s fair that Christmas is trying to obliterate Thanksgiving from the calendar with all its commercials and advertisements that begin the moment that people take the Jack O’Lanterns off of their porches?”

Santa ClausSanta Claus started with a mighty laugh that made his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly.  “Oh, Myles, you Pilgrims always were so strict and somber.  Do you ever just laugh, relax, and enjoy the Holidays?”

Standish turned to me ashen and befuddled.  “It vexes me that he asks me his question when he has yet to answer mine.  Does that not go against the laws of this show?”

I explained to Myles that Santa Claus was answering his question, that he had not violated the show’s laws, and that Santa would not be put in the stocks simply because he had posed a question within his answer.

I stared at the shiny buckle on Standish’s hat in an attempt to calm myself, and then I chugged the rest of my Snapple like I wished it was something stronger.

“Myles, let me assure you that it was never my intention to turn Christmas into this very large, consumer driven event.  I just want to celebrate the Lord’s birth and reward good little boys and girls.  I blame social media and department stores for the commercialization of the Holiday.  I hope you will accept my apology and that there are no hard feelings.”

Santa Claus then stood up, walked past me, and extended a mitten covered hand to his Thanksgiving counterpart.

The crowd gathered on my lawn held its breath as everyone waited to see how the Pilgrim would respond.  Thankfully, Standish rose to his feet, removed his hat, and then very humbly shook Kris Kringle’s hand with a slight bow.

And the crowd went wild.  I toasted the dynamic duo with a second Snapple, both men returned to their chairs, Myles returned his hat to his head, and Santa tossed candy canes to the audience.

“Now, Myles, I’ve looked at my list and checked it twice, and I’ve come up with a question that is most certainly nice.  Despite our differences, and this lawsuit hanging over our heads like a sprig of poisoned mistletoe, I just want to know one thing: What would you like for Christmas?”

Myles Standish 2010Myles Standish, the very serious and stoic Pilgrim leader, paused to wipe a tear from his cheek.  “Santa Claus, I cannot even recall when last someone asked me what I would like to unwrap on Christmas morn.”

“I would love to have a new pair of fine black shoes with a larger, shinier buckle.  I have never been one who seeks to draw attention to himself with a flamboyant wardrobe, but my feet have treated me well over the years, and I would love to reward them with such a gift.”

“Then shiny new, large buckled shoes you shall have, my friend.  And if you’re really good, I might have the Elves fill your new kicks with some chocolate treats.”

I’m not sure if this meeting of the minds was enough to get the lawsuit settled, but I definitely think it was a sleigh ride in the right direction.

Santa and Myles promised to hang around to help me decorate The House on the Hill for Thanksgiving, the idea of which caused Myles to smile brightly.  His Holiday was not being forgotten.  At least not at my place.

Thanks for joining us on the porch, Modern Philosophers.  I promise to have you over again real soon.  Happy Holidays!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holiday Icons And A Guy Born On Little Christmas

  1. ksbeth says:

    all’s well that ends we’ll – that was close. i think adding shiny buckles to your running shoes might up your game too )

  2. My next question is: Do you continue to have the three chairs during the snow season? Do they fill with snow? Or do you put them away in the garage and pull out three snow thrones to sit on? I do love these conversations!

    • Austin says:

      Well, The House on the Hill has a covered porch, so we should be able to continue to produce the show out there. If not, I can always bring the guests inside to chat.

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