I Advise You To Bond With Your Gargoyle

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I recently moved to Maine from Brooklyn with my husband and two children.  We bought this amazing old house in Orono, not far from the UMaine campus.

One of my favorite features of my new home is the gorgeous Gargoyle that stands guard over the place from his perch on the roof.

I was so moved by your blog posts about the relationship you have with your Gargoyle, and so looked forward to having the same with mine.  The thing is, I can’t get my Gargoyle to talk or even move.

Where’s the love, Austin?  Is there some Magic to getting the Gargoyle to come to life?  Do I need to make an offering?  Is there a spell I need to utter in his presence?

I live at {address redacted for privacy}.  Could you ask Gary if he knows my Gargoyle?  Is there anything he can tell me about him to make this easier?

Please help!  I want my Magic Maine Gargoyle moment!

A Fellow Brooklynite In Maine

GargoyleDear Brooklyn,

Welcome to Maine!  Always great to have another New Yorker in Red Sox Country.  I assume you’re a Yankees fan like any normal Brooklynite…

Your first problem is that you’re referring to your Gargoyle as gorgeous.  Gargoyles prefer to be thought of as ruggedly handsome.  Remember, they have a keen sense of hearing, so if you’re wandering around the house referring to him as gorgeous, you’re most likely really pissing him off.

Gargoyles are fiercely loyal and loving creatures, but you’ve got to earn that relationship first.  I advise you to bond with your Gargoyle.

What does that entail?  It means putting in some serious roof time.  Show him the love.  Sit up there and talk to him even if he doesn’t answer back.  Put in the effort, and you will earn the Gargoyle love you so badly crave.

Keep in mind that someone else lived in that house before you.  Your Gargoyle bonded with that person, and is mourning the loss of that friend.  Baby steps.  You’ll get that first incredible Gargoyle flight in eventually, but right now, just sit on that roof, introduce yourself, and make him understand that you want to be a part of his life now.

Never forget that Gargoyles hear everything.  He’s forming opinions of you and your family based on whatever is coming out of your mouths over the course of a day.

Gary is eager to help so here’s his tip: your Gargoyle loves classical music.  Apparently, the previous homeowner was a huge fan.  Why not leave classical music playing during the day while your family is at work and school?  This will please your Gargoyle and help melt his heart of stone.

Hope it helps.  Once you’ve earned that Gargoyle love, you should fly over to The House on the Hill and we’ll give you a tour of Maine from a Gargoyle’s point of view

Good luck!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I Advise You To Bond With Your Gargoyle

  1. Gargoyles are Red Sox fans.

    Sad but true.

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