“We thought it would be fun to come up with special Holiday offerings for our customers at Thanksgiving,” Starbucks spokesman Dirk Benedict explained to this Modern Philosopher. “Our Halloween and Christmas drinks have always been a big hit, but we’ve never tried to come up with anything for Thanksgiving. Guess we miscalculated on what would tickle our clienteles’ taste buds.”
I’m not a coffee drinker, Modern Philosophers (I don’t want to stunt my growth!), but even I could tell that the new selections wouldn’t be a big hit. What do you think of Turkey Treat Coffee and Thanksgiving Leftovers Lattes? Do either of those sound at all appealing? I dry heaved while typing the names of those drinks.
“Like I said, Austin, we were just tying to do something fun and tap into the Holiday Spirit that is so strong at this time of year,” Benedict tried to make sense of it all. “The two things I think of as this special Thursday in November approaches, after the idea of giving thanks, of course, are turkey and leftovers.”
“That’s why our Coffee Creators came up with these two offerings for the month of November. I have to tell you, I was shocked to hear that we were pulling them from the menu this early.”
Shocked, Dirk? Really? Maybe you’ve been drinking the coffee flavored Kool-Aid for just a little too long.
“It had to be, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had in my mouth, and I’m in a sorority!” exclaimed Heather B of Orono when I asked her what she thought of the Turkey Treat Coffee I witnessed her spilling into the street from her car window.
“It tastes like they raided my fridge, put everything in a blender, then stuck it in the microwave and added whipped cream,” observed Bonnie W of Bangor, who continued to drink her Grande Thanksgiving Leftovers Latte with the most painful facial expressions. “I paid six dollars for this thing, though, so I’m not wasting it.”
Starbucks apologized for “miscalculating the Thanksgiving hot beverage market” and promised its customers that it would make it up to them with this year’s Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanza selections.
“Oh, it’s going to be a super month of December!” Benedict promised. “I cannot wait to see all these Thanksgiving frowns turned upside down.”
I think I’m just going to stick to my Snapple, Dirk, but I hope all your coffee-themed dreams come true. Happy Holidays! And remember, this is a satirical blog, and no such seasonal coffees were actually harmed or really served in the writing of this blog post!