Starbucks Pulls Thanksgiving Coffees After Multiple Complaints

turkey coffeeCoffee giant Starbucks decided to pull its two new seasonal coffees after receiving numerous complaints about the items.

“We thought it would be fun to come up with special Holiday offerings for our customers at Thanksgiving,” Starbucks spokesman Dirk Benedict explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Our Halloween and Christmas drinks have always been a big hit, but we’ve never tried to come up with anything for Thanksgiving.  Guess we miscalculated on what would tickle our clienteles’ taste buds.”

I’m not a coffee drinker, Modern Philosophers (I don’t want to stunt my growth!), but even I could tell that the new selections wouldn’t be a big hit.  What do you think of Turkey Treat Coffee and Thanksgiving Leftovers Lattes?  Do either of those sound at all appealing?  I dry heaved while typing the names of those drinks.

Cup-Of-Coffee“Like I said, Austin, we were just tying to do something fun and tap into the Holiday Spirit that is so strong at this time of year,” Benedict tried to make sense of it all.  “The two things I think of as this special Thursday in November approaches, after the idea of giving thanks, of course, are turkey and leftovers.”

“That’s why our Coffee Creators came up with these two offerings for the month of November.  I have to tell you, I was shocked to hear that we were pulling them from the menu this early.”

Shocked, Dirk?  Really?  Maybe you’ve been drinking the coffee flavored Kool-Aid for just a little too long.

“It had to be, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had in my mouth, and I’m in a sorority!” exclaimed Heather B of Orono when I asked her what she thought of the Turkey Treat Coffee I witnessed her spilling into the street from her car window.

thanksgiving-feast“It tastes like they raided my fridge, put everything in a blender, then stuck it in the microwave and added whipped cream,” observed Bonnie W of Bangor, who continued to drink her Grande Thanksgiving Leftovers Latte with the most painful facial expressions.  “I paid six dollars for this thing, though, so I’m not wasting it.”

Starbucks apologized for “miscalculating the Thanksgiving hot beverage market” and promised its customers that it would make it up to them with this year’s Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanza selections.

“Oh, it’s going to be a super month of December!” Benedict promised.  “I cannot wait to see all these Thanksgiving frowns turned upside down.”

I think I’m just going to stick to my Snapple, Dirk, but I hope all your coffee-themed dreams come true.  Happy Holidays!  And remember, this is a satirical blog, and no such seasonal coffees were actually harmed or really served in the writing of this blog post!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Starbucks Pulls Thanksgiving Coffees After Multiple Complaints

  1. abrutelife says:

    lol wow. I was not aware of this, nice article

  2. Running1 says:

    starbucks can even make leftover latte sound good.

  3. Mmmm if there is a hint of brussell sprout I could be tempted!! NOT! Lol

  4. ksbeth says:

    love the sorority comment and happy to see dirk benedict is employed.

  5. Catherine Johnson says:

    I love the line ‘obviously I’m not wasting it’ too funny Austin!

  6. Ashana M says:

    There’s a Starbucks here in Pune. All reports indicate the coffee is undrinkable. (Think truckstop coffee in Wyoming). I’ve been sticking with my Cafe Coffee Day. Which does not have holiday-themed coffee drinks. But is just as overpriced.

  7. Starbuck. Dirk Benedict. HA HA HA HA. Made my night. (Next time, they need to put his cigar butts into the satirical coffee invention!)

  8. Klai says:

    Thanksgiving? What’s that???
    Next year, try some holiday blends for “Black Friday”
    The true American Holiday! (Rolls eyes!)

  9. Sanaa Brooks says:

    OMG that is freaking disgusting! I don’t even work at Starbucks but I’m pretty sure I could of thought of something better! Apple Pie maybe? Hell even if they did a spin off of cranberry sauce they might have did okay but Turkey coffee? & Leftovers? For goodness sakes no one even likes regular leftovers let alone the coffee. Sigh!

  10. The Chaos Realm says:

    ahaha…”coffee-flavoured Kool-Aid”–genius! <—not a Starbucks fan!

  11. Honestly, if this were true it would not surprise me!

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