Flamboyant NY Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan, looking to get his team back on track after a blowout loss last Sunday in Buffalo, has once again taken extreme measures to pump up his team for today’s game versus the Baltimore Ravens.
Ryan, who served as the Ravens’ Defensive Coordinator, has personal reasons for wanting to win this game. He also knows a great deal about Baltimore, both the team and the city, and he decided to use that to his advantage.
“We’ve got to win this game, Austin,” Ryan told this Modern Philosopher. “That’s why I decided to use my familiarity with Baltimore to inspire the team.”
Remember, Modern Philosophers, this is a man who devoured 6lbs of Buffalo wings to inspire his team last week (the Jets lost), and who invited The Devil to give a pep talk before the Saints game (the Jets won).
Coach Ryan showed up for this morning’s team meeting dressed as Edgar Allan Poe, the famed writer, Baltimore resident, and author of the poem from which Baltimore’s football team took its name. He then launched into his own version of “The Raven”, which featured the line “Score the Ravens nevermore!”
“I had no idea that Coach wrote poetry,” one player told me after the team meeting. “It was a bit dark and kinda dreary, but it rhymed and he seemed passionate about it.”
Said another member of the Jets, “He was supposed to be the writer guy who inspired the serial killer on that show ‘The Following’, right? I never watched the show, but I hear it was really good and Kevin Bacon rocked.”
“I figure Coach must be pretty pissed at us about losing last week’s game, if he had to disguise himself to come to the meeting,” offered one player, who in his defense, had suffered a concussion during practice this week. “If he’s too embarrassed to show his face, then that means we’ve failed him as a team, and we need to pick it up this week.”
“Coach Ryan made it quite clear that the Ravens ain’t gonna score no more,” a veteran player informed me. “I’m just glad I’m on offense, and don’t have to worry about giving up points. Of course, if Sanchez were still QB, I’d be scared to death that he’d throw another pick six and let them score. I don’t want to let down Coach.”
I have decided, Modern Philosophers, to buy copies of “The Raven” for every player on the Jets roster as an early Christmas gift. Maybe if they got a little culture, they would be inspired to win two weeks in a row.
Hopefully, Poe isn’t rolling over in his grave. Some say his Ghost haunts the streets of Baltimore, especially on game day. I just hope I’m not haunted by the memories of another horrible performance by my favorite team.
Let’s go Jets!