Mayor McCheese, Independent Party candidate for Governor of Maine, is looking to put the brakes on the high powered Polar Express that Christmas has become.
“Christmas is gobbling up chunks of the calendar as if it intends to take over the entire last quarter of the year,” Candidate McCheese told this Modern Philosopher. “Such a move is not in the best interest of the people of Maine, and it is my intention to meet with Santa Claus to see how we can rein in the Holiday.”
Why does McCheese believe that Christmas’ continued growth is bad for Maine? “People forget how important the Halloween Season is for the state’s economy,” Mayor McCheese replied. “It runs the entire month of October, and it is the peak of the Otherworldly Being tourist season in Maine. The increased presence of Ghosts, Vampires, Witches, Ghouls, Monsters and all the rest attracts more human tourists. Maine is pretty much minting money in October.”
What does Halloween Season have to do with Christmas’ conquering of November? “On November 1, the streets of Maine are flooded with Elves, who take down the Halloween decorations and replace them with Christmas lights, bows, and wreaths,” the candidate explained with a heavy sigh. “We fear that if Christmas isn’t halted now and forced back, at the very least, to December, it will continue like a runaway train and barrel through the borders of October and destroy Halloween. Much like it has already crushed Thanksgiving and turned it into nothing more than Black Friday Eve.”
This Modern Philosopher didn’t need to be much of an investigative reporter to understand that there were other forces at work here. While it was clear that Mayor McCheese believed in keeping the behemoth that Christmas had become from taking over the entire calendar, he was also trying to appeal to the Otherworldly Being voters that have been his staunch supporters since he declared for the race.
If you put Otherworldly Beings and the Halloween Season together, it added up to one mysterious, super secret Maine organization…The All Hallow’s Society.
It made sense that the anonymous, hooded planners of all things Halloween would want to keep Christmas from growing any larger. If Santa Claus set down one shiny black boot in October, he would be cutting into The All Hallow’s Society’s power.
“Yes, Austin, The All Hallow’s Society has been very supportive of my getting out ahead of this issue, but there is nothing nefarious about it,” McCheese assured me. “Christmas’ growth has all but erased Thanksgiving from the calendars. Do you know how many Ghosts of participants in the First Thanksgiving now haunt Maine? I think that number would surprise you. They are all constituents who feel like they have no voice and are being ignored by the current Governor.”
Governor LePage does seem to be a huge fan of Christmas and its expansion. He has been going to campaign appearances all month dressed as Santa Claus, and by associating himself with Father Christmas, he has given himself a nice bump in the polls.
My calls to the Governor’s office requesting a comment about McCheese’s upcoming meeting with Santa Claus were not returned.
I had the interns conduct a poll with registered voters to see how Mainers felt about Mayor McCheese’s plan to keep Christmas on a tighter leash. 65% of all polled were in favor of the idea, but that number turned to a whopping 98% when asked of Otherworldly Beings who planned to vote next Election Day.
It looks like Mayor McCheese has found a hot button topic for his campaign, and if he can get Santa Claus to agree to his proposal, he will be a shoe in to be elected Governor a little less than a year from today.
What do you think of all this, Modern Philosophers? Do you believe that Mayor McCheese is right in wanting to rein in Christmas? Do you fear that he is catering too much to special interest groups? Where do you stand on the issue?
Regardless of how you would vote on this, I wish you all a Happy Holiday Season!
I think it’s hype. Right after he’s elected he’ll be advertising for McD’s again.
I don’t know. He’s continued to work for McDonald’s, but really seems intent on winning this election…
I like Christmas, but not the commercialized version of it that exists today.
Back when you were a kid, I’m sure Christmas was much different… 😉
I liked it more for sure. But then I didn’t understand it either.
Ah well that makes sense.
I think I really need to visit Maine.
I think that is true for everyone. 🙂
I think that Christmas should be celebrated in just one day, and not as a season. We don’t have “Easter season”, “Valentine’s season”, or “Mother’s day season”. But I might change my mind if my employer will offer all of Christmas season off.
You could say you celebrate it as a season and threaten to sue for religious persecution if he doesn’t let you take off for all of it…