Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holiday Icons And A Guy With Coal In His Stocking

3 snowmenHappy Holidays, Modern Philosophers!  Welcome to a Holiday Edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch”, Maine’s favorite talk show set outdoors.

We were lucky to get some mild weather  today, and even luckier that my two guests happened to be in town for this weekend’s Race To The North Pole, which benefits Mrs. Claus’ Red & Green Foundation.

As always, I am joined on the front porch of The House on the Hill by two guests, who get to ask each other one question.  Today’s guests are Mrs. Claus and Frosty the Snowman!

Santa’s wife, who took the seat to my right, was in town for Saturday’s Race To The North Pole, and because her Red & Green Foundation was producing a public service announcement.  The star of that PSA?  Frosty the Snowman.  I’ve written about both these events, so catch up on your reading, Modern Philosophers!

The lady had the first question.  “Frosty, thank you again for shooting that PSA today.  You were absolutely fabulous,” she cooed.  “I’m so pleased that you will be the official starter for this year’s Race To The North Pole as well.”

The crowd gave Frosty a warm round of applause, which he responded to with a wave.

“I hate to ask you this question, but I know it’s the one that has been on everyone’s mind for years.  If you knew the sun was hot that day, why did you lead the kids right down the street of town, up to the traffic cop instead of finding someplace cold to take shelter?”

Frosty“First, Mrs. Claus, let me say it was an honor to be asked to participate in these events for your fabulous Red & Green Foundation.  It’s an amazing charity, and the children of the world are much better off because of it!”  Frosty stood up and applauded.

The crowd gathered on my lawn gave Mrs. Claus a well deserved standing ovation.  I toasted her with my bottle of Snapple.

Once everyone settled down again, Frosty answered the question.  “I’m a snowman, so I’m not exactly generating any Deep Thoughts.  There’s a giant bucket of snowballs where a brain should be.  I knew that I was going to melt eventually, so I figured why not just go out in style?”

“Those kids were going to be sad, but I thought that if I gave them a day of fun to distract them, they might remember that instead of my remarkable transition into a giant puddle.  The Holiday Season is all about the kids, and I did it for them.”

This generated another round of applause.  I opened a second bottle of Snapple while I waited for it to die down, and said a silent thank you to Mother Nature for keeping it just chilly enough to ensure that Frosty didn’t transform on my porch.

“Mrs. Claus, I have to ask the obvious: What do you get Santa for Christmas?”

Mrs. ClausMrs. Claus blushed, and then took a long sip of the Snapple that had been provided for her.  She fiddled with some invisible lint on her jacket, clearly trying to duck the question.

“Forgive me, Frosty,” she finally replied with a hint of embarrassment in her voice.  “I’m not looking to avoid your question, but I’m simply struggling to find a way to word it so that Austin can keep the ‘Family Friendly’ tag on his blog.  You know what?  I just don’t think I can answer that without causing you to melt.”

That, Modern Philosophers, was the answer that almost brought down The House on the Hill!  The crowd went wild.  I spit out my Snapple.  Frosty pumped his broomstick into the air emphatically.

All the while, Mrs. Claus just smiled and blushed.  Classic.

Thanks for joining us on the porch.  I promise to have you over again real soon!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holiday Icons And A Guy With Coal In His Stocking

  1. floridaborne says:

    Since you live in Maine, are you going to have 3 chairs on the glassed-in porch or continue freezing to death? 🙂

  2. ksbeth says:

    i knew mrs. claus had a side to her that wasn’t quite so chilly )

  3. List of X says:

    I think Santa would be way too tired after working all of Christmas eve to unwrap his present on Christmas morning.

  4. Daring to ask the questions that everyone has wanted to ask yet no one had the [snow]balls to. High-five mister!

    • Austin says:

      I try. Thanks for the high five. You should go back and read some of the other interviews from the Three Chairs on a Porch series. They’re very informative! 🙂

  5. susielindau says:

    So that’s how she keeps that smile on Santa’s face….

  6. thewallflowerbeauty says:

    I’ve nominated you for the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award!

  7. LucyJartz says:

    I am really glad that you (or your behind the scenes co-producer) were able to get such a nice snapshot of Mrs. Claus to illustrate the point. The north pole seems cozier and warmer now. I’d love to support the Red and Green too.

  8. Sounds like Santa’s North Pole really knows how to generate the right amount of heat to keep Mrs. Clause happy. Smart man.

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