Santa Claus brought heaping lumps of tough love as early Christmas gifts to several boys and girls on his Naughty List.
About two dozens children, all very highly ranked on Santa’s infamous list, were whisked away from their homes this morning (with their parents’ permission, of course!) and brought to West Virginia, where they were put to work in a coal mine.
While the newest members of the crew worked, they were constantly reminded by the veterans that they were mining the coal for their own stockings.
What’s going on here, Santa Claus?
“Ho, ho, ho, Austin!” Santa seemed quite jolly when he replied to my question. “I just thought it was time to take a different approach to the worst offenders on my Naughty List. Clearly, the lumps of coal in their stockings were nothing more than a mere slap on the wrist. So I decided to try some Scared Straight tactics. Plus, the free labor helps to keep down my coal costs.”
That last line was followed by a very loud belly laugh. “It’s not like we made them work a full shift,” Santa explained when he finally stopped laughing. “We helped them work up a sweat for a couple of hours, let them shed a few tears, and gave them some time to think about the consequences of their actions.”
I hoped to question some of the children for this article, Modern Philosophers, but they were all too stunned, exhausted, and covered in coal dust to talk to me.
Santa took that as a good sign. “I don’t think I’ll be seeing any of these names on the Naughty List again next year,” he told me with laughter in his voice. “And it’s still early enough in the month for me to grab another batch of Naughty kiddos and come back for a return visit. This coal isn’t going anywhere.”
What do you think of Santa Claus’ tactics, Modern Philosophers? Was this Tough Love a little too tough? Did he violate child labor laws? Would you have allowed Santa to take your child on this little adventure?
All I know is that I’m glad Santa Claus didn’t pull stunts like this when I was a kid because I could picture my Evil Step Mother signing me up for a double shift at the coal mine.
Happy Holidays!
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Reblogged this on U.S. Constitutional Free Press.
Reblogged this on Dead Citizen's Rights Society.
YOU ARE RIGHT…ANOTHER GOOD ONE!
Thank you! 🙂
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
“YA LOAD SIXTEEN TON, AND WHADDAYA GET?” 🙂
Good work, Santa! I don’t know the child labor laws in Virginia, but I’m guessing they weren’t hired and they didn’t get paid for the few hours 🙂 Think of it as a “field trip.”
Exactly! And who’s going to arrest Santa? No one is that foolish! 🙂
How did you ever find my elementary school picture?
I had my interns hack into your computer. 🙂
Tell them to cease & desist immediately or it’s going on their permanent records.
Uh oh. Will they go on the Naughty List? They won’t be able to survive the coal mine!
As the symbolic dirty-faced scowling young man on the front row that’s “all grown up,” I would like to remind your staffers that–it’s not too late to do good. I wouldn’t wish coal mine work on anyone.
Amen!
i’ve done my time in the mine, can’t anyone get a break around here, santa?!
I think Santa gives everyone plenty of breaks. He’s pretty lenient…
This world needs more tough love! Good Job!
Santa rocks!
Yes he does… and, in your blog, he’s good with natural consequences, too.
Santa is a star. This is his season to shine.
In some Norse countries, Santa gives bad children switches instead of coal. Do you suppose he sends those children out into the woods?
Light switches? He turns them into electricians? 😉
Ah! Santa also sends them to smart alecks in Maine. Be alert for anyone coming to you door telling you to follow them into the woods.
I always am. 🙂
Wow, Santa’s a badass.
Yes, he is. Don’t ever forget that!
Okay, Austin – you are not allowed to tweet any more links to your Christmas posts! I don’t have time to read them all but they’re all freakin’ hilarious, so I keep trying!
Well, you still have 18 days to read them! Ho! Ho! Ho!