Rudolph Stuns North Pole By Signing 10yr, $240M Deal With Seattle Mariners

RudolphThe Christmas Season was rocked this morning by the stunning news that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was leaving Santa Claus’ team to sign a 10 year, $240M deal with the Seattle Mariners.

Rudolph, who has been the face of the North Pole franchise for ages, was thought by most experts to be a member of Santa’s team for life.  The most recognizable of Santa’s Reindeer, Rudolph clearly had other plans.

“We saw the writing on the stable wall,” another Reindeer told this Modern Philosopher, “when Rudolph dropped Scott Boras as his agent and signed with Snow Miser.  Santa didn’t want to believe Rudy would ever leave, but he can be a little naive.”

MarinersWhat exactly were the Mariners thinking in offering such a long and lucrative deal to a Reindeer who might have his best years behind him?

“I think Seattle is just looking to sell tickets and give a new face to a struggling franchise,” one Major League insider shared with this Modern Philosopher.  “You can’t get a more recognizable face than that one with the antlers and the glowing red nose.  Will he help them win games?  Not unless he can pitch.”

So what is Santa Claus going to do?  Who will take Rudolph’s place guiding Santa’s Sleigh on Christmas Eve?

reindeer“We’ll manage, Austin,” Santa Claus assured me, although there was a hint of sadness in his voice.  “I was able to make my annual run before Rudolph joined the team, and we’ll be fine without him.  Remember, this is a team effort, and I’ve still got the best one in the game.”

Fred Claus, however, did not share his brother’s upbeat attitude.  “Rudolph is a backstabbing punk,” Fred yelled at me across our Skype connection.  “We brought him up through our system, gave him his big break, and watched him become a superstar.  This is how he repays us?  It’s b@##$%^* if you ask me.  I hope it never stops raining in Seattle and he gets bored and lonely.”

reindeer shadesOnly one of Rudolph’s former teammates was willing to talk to me, and aside from his earlier comment wanted to add: “I’m not going to lie.  It hurts.  We were a team, but it’s obvious that Rudy got all the attention.  He was the breakout star.  He had his own song and claymation special.  We were cool with all that, so we’re hurt that he’d just ditch us.”

“I don’t get why he’d want to leave the team we had here, in the Mecca of Christmas, for a place thousands of miles away.  Why work 162 days a year instead of just one?  Maybe it was Snow Miser’s influence.  Maybe it was greed.  I’ve heard that he didn’t like the way Santa managed things, but how could he pass up on all this tradition?  He was a legend on the greatest team of all time.”

It truly is a sad day for Christmas fans and for those who love Santa’s Reindeer.  I’m not going to suddenly hate Rudolph because he left, but I’m definitely not thrilled with what he decided to do.  I hope it was for more than just the money.

I’ll let Fred Claus have the final word: “The Mariners suck.  I just put all the owner’s kids and grandkids on the Naughty list, and I’m doing the same for the General Manager. Rudolph’s gonna rue the day he flew off for millions and left us behind!”

People can get really passionate about their teams, Modern Philosophers…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to Rudolph Stuns North Pole By Signing 10yr, $240M Deal With Seattle Mariners

  1. Sounds like Zeus’ brother Poseidon may have been trying to steal him from under the Clause family’s nose. Just goes to show that it’s important not to take anyone for granted. Sooner or later someone will come along with a better offer and promise of better treatment and then it’s ‘Sayonara, Suckers!’

    • Austin says:

      I was a big Rudolph fan, though. Sorry to see him go… 😦

      • Completely understand. Hubby feels the same way. It’s a shame, really, but you can’t blame him for not feeling valued. His red nose is pretty unique and necessary for a successful Christmas season, but somehow I get the feeling that he wasn’t made to feel that way from a monetary standpoint.

      • Austin says:

        Is it all about the money? I thought it was about Christmas and helping people get into the Holiday Spirit. I blame his new agent, Snow Miser!

      • I don’t think it’s all about money, but let’s be fair… There are plenty of reindeer not carrying nearly the same amount of weight during the Holiday season who are making significantly more than him. Since the North Pole shows their appreciation of their staff by the amount of gifts they give, he had a right to expect more than they offered. That’s kind of why I blame the Clauses for taking him for granted. Just like any relationship…you can tell someone you feel a certain way till the cows jump over the moon, but if you don’t show it, too, the words begin to ring hollow.

      • Austin says:

        Oh well…the show must go on.

      • Hubby does feel Rudolph should’ve offered the Clauses a hometown discount, though. He feels that this basically says Rudolph doesn’t care so much about the Season as he does the gifts at this point in his career. :-/

  2. The Cutter says:

    I think it’s a good move by the Mariners. Rudolph moves a ton of merchandise and will likely pay for the contract with those sales alone

  3. genext13 says:

    It seems more like a PR move. Rudolph represents the light out of their darkness. Or perhaps The Mariners are announcing a Hanukkah/Christmas crossover (Festval of Lights/ Light of Christmas’ symbol) to appeal to a larger crowd.

  4. ksbeth says:

    way to take a stand santa ! sounds like a disney synergy campaign.

  5. kriskkaria says:

    Love it and it does rain lots here in Seattle. Rudolph is gonna get a little wet. Can I narrate for Christmas podcast?

  6. Pingback: Well? What’s it to be, punk! |

  7. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    I thought I’d re-post this tonight in honor of Robbie Cano’s return to Yankee Stadium. Not that this post mocks him one bit… 🙂

  8. I haven’t laughed so hard since last Christmas and I’m not even a Mariners’ fan, heck, I’m not even a sports nut. 😀

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