Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holidays Humbugs And A Christmas Angel

3 snowmenHappy Holidays, Modern Philosophers!  The snow has held off, so we are able to to bring you another edition of everyone’s favorite talk show set on a front porch.

As always, I have invited two guests to join me on the porch of The House on the Hill, and they get to ask each other one question.

For this special Holiday Installment, I was joined by The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge.   I had the interns pack a couple of extra Snapples in my cooler for this one.

The Grinch, who took the chair to my left, asked the first question.  “Scrooge, it’s no secret that you were a real penny pincher in your day.  Do you ever regret the fact that you didn’t trademark the term ‘Bah Humbug’?”

ScroogeScrooge chuckled and shot The Grinch an icy glare.  “Look, my hairy green friend, there’s nothing wrong with being frugal.  My good friend and partner Jacob Marley taught me as such.  Those pennies I pinched were mine, earned from my hard work and sweat to spend as I wanted.”

“If you recall, all that money I had tucked away came in quite handy once the Ghosts of Christmas helped me to see the light and I changed my ways.  So to answer your question, yes, I wish I had thought to trademark the term.  Where in Heaven’s name were you when I needed legal advice?  Off plundering Whoville I suppose!”

The Grinch got a good laugh out Scrooge’s sass.  I chugged the rest of my Snapple and opened a second.  All the time, I silently prayed that I wouldn’t need to whistle for Gary the Gargoyle to swoop down and keep my guests from attacking each other.

“So now it’s your turn to face the music, dear Grinch,” Scrooge stated with a sense of smugness in his voice.  “I know that like me, you have since turned over a new wreath, so to speak, and now love Christmas.  If you had it to do all over again, would you try to steal Christmas from the Whos knowing that today, they would all likely be armed and that you could be charged with a hate crime for trying to ruin a religious holiday?”

grinchThe Grinch stroked the hair of his chin as he formed some Deep Thoughts.  “I wouldn’t be who I am today, Scrooge, had I not scampered down that mountain, slid down chimneys, crawled through houses, and stolen ever last stitch of the Holiday from those perpetually perky Whos!”

“Then again, were I to try that again, I’d probably be killed by a well-armed homeowner or sent away to prison for life.  And I’m far too pretty for prison!  I don’t think I’d do it again today.  The Sixties were a much different and simpler time.  How I miss them!”

“I agree!” Scrooge concurred.  “The 1860s were rather rocking!”

And that was how this edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch” ended.  Well, there was a little “incident” later when the Ghosts who live in my attic came down to ask Scrooge for his autograph.  Ebenezer did not have his PTSD medications with him, so we just had to let him chug Snapple until he stopped freaking out.  If you learn one thing from this post, I hope it’s that you should never let a Ghost near Ebenezer Scrooge.  What a night!

Thanks for joining me on the porch.  I promise to have you over again real soon!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Holidays Humbugs And A Christmas Angel

  1. ksbeth says:

    you’re so right, that’s never a good combination )

  2. cat9984 says:

    You were the Christmas angel? Really?

  3. Haha! Funny. Good duo, this one.

  4. Pingback: Elfing for Santa! | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

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