My point was proven again today when a Bangor Snowman filed a lawsuit against the State of Maine and the Federal Government for Religious Persecution. Maine Governor Paul LePage and President Obama were also named in the suit.
The Snowman, who refused to give his name or have his picture taken (thank you to my intern Erin for her drawing of Anonymous the Snowman that is the lead graphic in this article), is suing for five million dollars!
Did I mention he was only built today during recess at Stephen King Middle School?
The lawsuit, filed in Bangor District Court by Arnie Chavitz, a renowned ambulance chaser and known associate of Snow Miser, states that the Snowman, who claims to be Jewish, was harmed irreparably when the children who built made him wear a Santa Claus hat.
“My client begged and pleaded with them to remove the Santa Claus hat,” Chavitz explained to this Modern Philosopher, who remained a considerable distance from the lawyer so as not to get any of his sleaze on a brand new toga. “He told them he was Jewish and didn’t celebrate Christmas. The children just laughed and gave him tiny stick arms so he could not reach the hat and remove it himself.”
According to Chavitz, some of the larger, more “bully-like children” went so far as to threaten his client stating that they would “get blow dryers and melt him straight into the gutter if he even tried to take off the Santa hat”.
Miss Miller’s fifth grade class, who created the Snowman during today’s recess, denied all allegations. Several of the children cried and had to be picked up early by their parents. (Thanks again, Erin, for your drawing of Miss Miller’s kiddos!)
“It’s a sin what that Snowman is doing,” Miss Miller told this Modern Philosopher as she wiped tears from her cheeks. “He’s the first Snowman of the year, and the children usually bond with that one. Now their experience has been ruined. My students wouldn’t knowingly persecute anyone, let alone a Snowman, and they certainly wouldn’t threaten him. It doesn’t even make sense. How would they get blow dryers to work in the schoolyard? There are no outlets out there!”
Why is Anonymous suing Maine and the Federal Government? I’ll let the weasel of a lawyer explain. “Stephen King Middle School is a public school, and that means that the government is ultimately responsible for the running of the school and any hate crimes that take place on its property.”
Seriously? You’re willing to sue for this? “Making a Jew wear a Santa Claus hat is a hate crime, especially when the party states his religious beliefs, begs for mercy, and is threatened with death for speaking up for his rights,” he insisted.
Having had about enough I could stand of this lawyer, I went to more respectable experts for insight. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a case like this,” Frosty the Snowman told me as he searched his memory. “Snowmen, aside from The Four Snowmen of the Apocalypse, are pretty easy going and wouldn’t hang out with lawyers, or have any desire to sue or collect money. It sounds ridiculous!”
Santa Claus was not thrilled, either. “Austin, I don’t know what the world is coming to,” he told me with a sigh. “I once swore I’d put every lawyer in the world on the Naughty List, but I know there are good ones out there like your friend Cy Brown. What this Snowman is doing is exactly the opposite of what I’d expect from anyone during the Holiday Season. I’m sorry to hear that a replica of my hat is causing so much trouble.”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Does this lawsuit sound ridiculous to you? Does this legless Snowman have a legal leg on which to stand? Do you think that putting a Santa Claus hat on anything suddenly makes it a Christian symbol?
I told you snow was nothing but trouble…