US Postal Service Begs Santa Claus To Take Over Daily Mail Delivery

Santa MailThe United States Postal Service made a special delivery to the North Pole today.  It wasn’t mail, though…it was a job offer.

USPS wants Santa Claus to take over the every day delivery of the mail in the United States.  The Postal Service, which lost Five Billion Dollars last year (yikes!!!), needs to cut costs, and they are impressed with the cost effective way that Santa delivers packages all over the world in one evening.

“We’d love to pick his brain and see how he pulls that off every year,” Post Master Colonel Maria Sharpe told this Modern Philosopher (the Post Master General was in a meeting… perhaps with Santa???).  “You never hear about Santa Claus having budget problems or even charging for delivery.  How does he do it?”

According to my sources within the USPS, Santa Claus was offered a generous package (pun intended!).  “They’d be able to pay him a king’s ransom because they could lay off all the mail carriers and close the post offices,” one source shared.  “The union is going to be  upset, but when you lose billions of dollars every year, you’ve got to make radical changes.”

north pole mailThere would be a single, centralized post office at the North Pole.  The Elves would sort all the mail, empty mailboxes across the country, and pick up parcels.

“There would be a great deal of North Pole magic involved in the process,” Santa’s brother Fred explained.  “We have a lot of trade secrets, Austin, and I can’t go sharing them all here, regardless of how much I like you.  That stuff is proprietary, and I’ve got to keep in on the down low.  Claus Family secrets, if you catch my drift.”

Fred Claus did confirm that Santa had received the job offer.

stamps“To be clear, it was more of a begging and pleading than a job offer,” Fred informed me with a laugh.  “They offered huge amounts of money, said they’d put his face on every stamp, and told some really sad stories about how sorry a state the Postal Service is in.  You ask me, it’s punishment for their sponsoring Lance Armstrong’s cycling team.  Karma can be really nasty.”

I knew it was all Lance’s fault.  Isn’t everything wrong in the world somehow linked back to him?

Colonel Sharpe admitted that there was no real timeline on hearing back from Santa Claus.  “We understand that this is his busy time of year, but he was gracious enough to allow a couple of our accountants to remain at the North Pole to study his operation.  We’re hoping they pick up a few cost saving ideas over the next two weeks.  If they don’t learn anything, and Santa won’t take the job, this might be the end for the US Postal Service.”

USPS logoWhat a Debbie Downer.  Let’s try to keep things merry and bright during the Holiday Season, Colonel!

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should Santa Claus take over the US Mail?  Would you be okay with the layoffs and closings that would be involved if it meant saving the mail?  Do you think that if Santa Claus threw himself into saving the Postal Service, it would affect Christmas in any way?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and I know that Santa reads this blog, so I’m sure he’s interested in what you think, too.   Happy Holidays!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to US Postal Service Begs Santa Claus To Take Over Daily Mail Delivery

  1. Would the displaced postal workers have the option of relocating to the North Pole to work in Santa’s Workshop?

    • Austin says:

      I’m not sure. I think the cost cutting would have to do with replacing those union workers with Elves, who work for candy, rum, and room & board.

      • Well, if Santa took the USPS to the North Pole, he could supervise both mail delivery and his workshop. The postal workers might opt for lateral transfers into elf positions, (with the proper training, of course) and would be willing to work for traditional elf compensation. Seems to me that cash would be useless at the North Pole…

      • Austin says:

        Sounds like this could work… 🙂

  2. Bill Meeker says:

    Would we have to leave cookies and milk in order to receive a delivery?

  3. ksbeth says:

    why not hire the elves on as sorters, organizers, stamp sellers, too as part of the package. no jobs need be lost and letter and packages would arrive on time )

  4. Looks like everyone wants to cut staff and move their duties to a higher level… save a dime, a dollar!! Humph!!

  5. No, don’t let him take the job. Let the USPS crash and burn and then we can have FedEx deliver our mail. We’d probably get it faster.

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