Pope Francis, the newly elected head of the Catholic Church, was today given another title, which is really going to make his resume pop: The Return of the Modern Philosopher Blog’s Being of the Year!
The white smoke was seen rising from the chimney of The House on the Hill late this afternoon.
“Is this another one of your crazy hoaxes, Austin?” The Holy Father asked me with a suspicious look on his face via Skype. “If you’re trying to pull a fast one on me, I will send the Nuns for you. And not some of the Nuns…all of them!”
Once I assured the Pope that this was not another one of my satirical blog posts, but an actual high honor, he let down his guard and whooped it up. “This is pretty awesome,” he assured me as he did a little happy dance. “Time gave me a similar award earlier this week, but yours is much cooler.”
I pointed out to the Lord of Vatican City that Time Magazine had only named him Person of the Year. I had taken into account Humans as well as Otherworldly Beings. This made the Man in White give me a thumbs up.
Maine’s Zombie Population was a very close second in the balloting. How could the Brain Munchers not be in the running after all the publicity my Walking Dead post earned for the blog?
In the end, though, I had to go with the man who not only renewed my faith in the Catholic Church, but who also inspired me with his passion for celebrating the Holidays. This love for the Holidays earned him his nickname, The Partying Pontiff.
He started it all with a St. Patrick’s Day Open House at The Vatican, which served as a housewarming party and welcoming bash. His Halloween Haunted House and Hogwarts Costume Party was a major success, and I had a blast at the Bruce Springsteen concert, which was part of The Independence Day Spectacular.
My favorite of all, however, was his Easter Egg Hunt. Designed by Dan Brown, the author of The Da Vinci Code, the hunt made perfect use of Mr. Brown’s extensive knowledge of Vatican City’s secret tunnels and passageways.
The article I wrote about that amazing day (Easter Egg Hunt Post) ended up posted on Reddit as actual World News, and I received several emails asking me to cite my sources. It also wound up as the lead article on a Catholic Church website. Good times.
There was something I needed to ask Pope Francis before I allowed him to go celebrate this incredible honor. How come there was no wild party for Thanksgiving?
“Thanksgiving if the one holiday I choose to celebrate alone,” he informed me, taking on a serious tone. “There is so much for which I am thankful, and I like to take the day to reflect and pray on it. I also watch football, eat a lot, and wear a Pilgrim costume, but I do those things by myself.”
What does my favorite Pope have in store for Christmas? “You’ll just have to wait and see, Austin,” he told me with a sly smile on his cherubic face. “You’ll get your invitation soon.”
“Can I say one thing before we go, my friend?” he asked and I nodded because a good Catholic boy would never say “No!” to The Pope. “Thank you for giving me this award. I now have something else to reflect on next Thanksgiving. When you come for the Christmas party, we will take a moment to properly celebrate this honor together.”
I don’t care what religion you are, you’ve got to agree that Pope Francis is pretty cool…