Jump Start Your Brain: Crazy Cold Conditions

JumpstartWell, it’s Saturday morning, Modern Philosophers, and I haven’t frozen to death yet, so I guess that means the weekend is off to a good start.

I checked the temperature upon waking, and it was -3 degrees.  Who even knows what that translates to with the wind chill…all I know is that I am staying inside The House on the Hill today, and not moving more than five feet from any of the heat registers.

To make things even better, Maine is supposed to get hit with anywhere from 6-18 inches of snow tomorrow, and I’m sure there will be even more when they add the wind chill to that as well…

Clearly, my brain needs a jump start this morning if I think wind chill has an effect on snowfall totals.  I believe my brain is frozen!  Better bust out that giant battery of Deep Thoughts and give myself a jolt immediately!

What’s the deal with this insane Winter weather?  Doesn’t Mother Nature realize it’s not even Winter yet?  Why are we shivering like this when we should still be enjoying brisk Autumn weather?  And why are we worried about shoveling out from under a blizzard when we should be out raking up the last of the Fall Foliage?

Do you really expect us to believe that we can send a spacecraft to Mars and satellites up to orbit the Earth, but we still can’t control the weather?  Where are the science nerds when we really need them?  Don’t they realize it’s more important that life on Earth doesn’t die out from freezing than it is to count rocks on the surface of Mars?

And should I even get started on the promise of Global Warming???

Where are the evil madmen from movies past who threatened to screw with the planet’s temperatures unless we paid them a king’s ransom?  Who agrees that maybe they should all be paroled, given a government grant, and told to warm up this big, blue frozen marble?  Why isn’t Stephen King in Washington, DC right now, meeting with the President about how to best drop a dome over Maine to keep it warm and snow free?

Why do we have to suffer through such extremes?  Does it have to be subzero temps and a blizzard on the same weekend?  Can’t we gradually turn the planet’s thermostat down so that the descent into Winter Madness isn’t so jarring?  Isn’t there someone who can control the delivery of snow so we don’t get an entire Winter’s worth in one weekend?

Who the hell is in charge of the weather?  Why am I paying taxes to a government that can’t keep me warm and cozy?  When will the madness end???

Okay.  Not feeling any better about the weather, but I am more awake.  My brain seems to be thawing, and all the hot air I just released should warm my living room a smidge.

Happy Saturday, Modern Philosophers.  Send blankets and snow plows please…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Jump Start Your Brain: Crazy Cold Conditions

  1. floridaborne says:

    Austin, I just answered your questions on my blog. My brain is a bit whacked out today.

  2. Don’t you have friends that can do something about it? Mayor McCheese? Gary? Maybe they can refer you to someone…

  3. You know, you could, uh, move.

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