According to the advisory, this alert is in effect for the entire weekend and possibly the next 300 – 500 years. Maine residents are advised to stay calm, not make a mad dash for the I-95 in their vehicles, and to put on some nice clothes so that when their frozen bodies are discovered in blocks of ice centuries from now, they will look good in the photographs taken of the event.
I’m a Modern Philosopher, not a Meteorologist, so I called my friend Stormy McBlizzardton, the Accu-Weather guy over at Channel 6 News in Bangor, to ask him exactly what an Ice Age Warning was and how it might affect me.
“To be honest, Austin, I’ve never heard of such a warning,” Stormy confessed in a harried voice. “All my years of training, however, tell me this means we are all seriously #$%^&*! I’m headed up to the roof to catch a ride to Canada on the newscopter. Good luck!”
Since Stormy couldn’t give me a definitive answer, I turned to the next best source of information: the internet.
According to my research, Modern Philosophers, Mainers are about to either be turned into adorable cartoon characters voiced by Ray Roman, Denis Leary, Cedric the Entertainer, and John Leguizamo, or we are about to be encased in icy tombs and then covered over in tons of snow.
I’m still a cynical New Yorker at heart, so I’m just going to ignore this warning, go about my life at The House on the Hill, and see what happens. If it gets too cold, I’ll just hop on Gary the Gargoyle’s back and have him fly me someplace tropical.
Stay warm, Modern Philosophers! Remember what happened to those poor Wooly Mammoths!