Health Advocates Call Candy Canes “The Devil’s Crutches”

candy-canesA health advocacy group known as “The Happy & Healthy Holidayers” went on a popular Maine morning radio show today to implore Mainers to eat healthy during the Holiday Season.

One member singled out candy canes as being a major problem, referring to them as “The Devil’s Crutches”.

“Candy canes are everywhere during the Holidays and people pass them out like…well, like candy!” stammered Horace DeWitt, the HHH’s most vocal member.  “They come in all sizes, people think they’re a safe, simple treat, but it never stops with one candy cane.  You grab that second one, and the next thing you know, you’ve eaten the entire box.”

canes on tree“People hang them on Christmas trees, put them in stockings, tape them to presents.  Hell, they probably toss them off rooftops by the dozen because they’re so damn cheap,” DeWitt continued in a rant that kept me glued to my radio.  “If a food is everywhere you turn, you’re going to have the urge to have one in your mouth.  You tell people you’re eating healthy because all you’re doing is enjoying a harmless candy cane, but you don’t even realize you’re addicted and sucking down enough sugar to give the person next to you contact diabetes!”

While I think Horace’s train of thought derailed during that interview, he had a point.  I found myself enjoying a candy cane today simply because someone gave it to me with a Christmas card.  And when I was done, I wanted another.  Luckily, one was not handy.  If it had been, who knows how many candy canes I would’ve consumed by now?

I loved the “Devil’s crutches” line so much that I put it in the headline of this article, but I also wanted to discuss it with an expert.

Devil“That genius realizes that I prefer a pitchfork to a cane, right?” asked the not so jolly being in the red suit as he sipped one of my Snapples and rapidly flipped through the channels on my TV.   “I’m going to have to start suing people who invoke my name to frighten people.  Hell’s full of lawyers, so it’s not like I don’t have the manpower for this!”

The Devil sighed and threw a handful of my potato chips into his mouth.  Worst house guest ever.  Of course, the term “guest” incorrectly implied that I ever invited him to The House on the Hill.

“It is funny, though,” Satan admitted when he had finally settled on a channel.  “Candy canes are addicting and do lead to some nasty habits.  I think of them as more of a gateway food to horrible Holiday eating habits.  Once a box of candy canes doesn’t satisfy your sugar rush, you’re scarfing down figgy pudding, mainlining Christmas pies, and snorting Grandma’s fruitcake just to get your fix.  Maybe candy canes do deserve to have my name attached!  They’re evil little #$%^&*@.”

Whoa, Lucifer!  What the Hell?  Watch your language please.  This is a family friendly blog!

sexy caneSounds like candy canes might be a lot more diabolical than I first thought.

They are rather tempting and seductive, are they not?

For some reason, I cannot get those shapely little red and white numbers off my mind.

What is it about candy canes?

I think I’ll have to study them much more…  Happy Holidays!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Health Advocates Call Candy Canes “The Devil’s Crutches”

  1. floridaborne says:

    I saw them for $2 at Big Lots today. It was soooo tempting. But I was good. 🙂

  2. I have to admit, not a fan of the devil’s crutches. In fact, I am not a fan of mint in general. You want to know something embarrassing? I keep a bag of M&M’s by my toothbrush/toothpaste. I pop a handful (or three) into my mouth before every brush and I find that it really tempers the nasty minty mouthwashy flavor. It’s like a Thin Mint party in my mouth! I’m sure my dentist would LOVE to hear that 😉

  3. Taylor Eaton says:

    I don’t care how evil they are, I LOVE those little Devil’s Crutches.

  4. ksbeth says:

    we all need our vices/crutches )

  5. I’ve never eaten two candy canes in a row. Mainly because I have a tendency to turn mine into prison shanks, and by the time I have finished it, my tongue’s bleeding.

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