I Advise You To Ice Up A Glass And Relax

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I know there are people out there who believe that Christmas is made better if it takes places under Winter Wonderland conditions, but I’m not one of those weirdos.

I’ve got a ton of Christmas shopping left to do, and my driveway looks like an ice skating rink this morning.  I swear I saw a polar bear lounging out there on an ice flow not ten minutes ago.

The icy rain is still coming down, and the weather report says it might not stop until tomorrow.  What the heck am I supposed to do?  I don’t have a magic button to set my driveway on defrost, and the roads don’t look any better.

Please don’t think I procrastinated on my Christmas shopping.  I have a large family and I believe in spoiling my kids this time of year.  I’d do anything for them, and I don’t want to see looks of disappointment on their faces Christmas Morning because Daddy couldn’t figure out how to clear the thick sheet of ice from the driveway so he could go to the mall.

What have you got for me, oh wise one?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A Pain in the Ice

scotchDear Ice Man,

Don’t sweat it, brother.  Sunday is a day of rest.  Christmas is not until Wednesday.  Snow Miser can only throw so much ice at us before his ADHD kicks in and something shiny distracts him.

You still have plenty of time to shop, and remember that your children love you no matter how many presents they have to open on Christmas Morning.  The last thing they want is for anything to happen to you because you went out driving in an ice storm.

I advise you put some ice in a tumbler, pour your favorite adult beverage over it, and then calmly sip it while you spend some quality time, safe and sound at home, with the ones you love.  The Holidays are about family, togetherness, joy, macking under the mistletoe, and Jimmy Stewart helping Clarence to earn his wings.

Have a glass of calm on the rocks, enjoy your Sunday, and hit the mall tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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