“I was a total @#$%^& this year,” Father Time told this Modern Philosopher as we sat in my living room and enjoyed Snapples and Doritos. “I made a decision in early January to just be a prick and go with it. I really enjoyed staying in character, and I don’t regret my choice.”
Was there any reason why this normally beloved figure decided to give in to the Dark Side in 2013?
“I just got this vibe that 2013 needed to be bad ass and hard core,” he replied with an absentminded wave of his scythe. “The 13 just really spoke to me. That number is a dark, evil playmate that led me down a poorly lit path overrun with weeds and broken dreams.”
Ah, so we’re going to a philosophical place? I had no problem cranking out the Deep Thoughts to keep up with an old man on the verge of retirement.
“Part of the reason I was such a bitter curmudgeon was because I had the world’s best interest in mind,” he said as he stroked his lengthy beard. “Life needs to be hard in order for mankind to truly enjoy the more tender moments when they finally reveal themselves. I toughened society up for 365 days, and there’s no way those folks won’t be ready for the next trip around the Sun. I did them a solid by going all Medieval on them.”
I began to wonder if my guest had slipped something harder into his Snapple bottle when I was distracted. Then I remembered that he had to be completely exhausted and ready to hang up his hourglass.
“I cannot wait to turn over the keys of this runaway train to the new kid,” Father Time remarked with a laugh that bordered on maniacal. “Maybe Baby New Year will take it easier on this bunch and allow 2014 to be all about rainbows and unicorns.”
He sounded a bit dismayed at the thought of 2014 being a kinder, gentler year, but then his face broke into a massive smile.
“You see what I did there, Austin?” he asked proudly. “I made this a horrible, gut wrenching, ulcer causing, financially draining, stress levels out of control kind of year to ensure that there was no way 2014 could be worse. Everyone is going to have the happiest of new years because I made sure there was nowhere to go but up.”
“I’m sure I’ll go into the record books as one of the worst to ever hold this position, but eventually, with the help of wise Modern Philosophers like you, the world will see that I was more hero than goat. Mark my words, Austin!”
Consider those words marked, Father Time. A thank you is in order if that really was your plan. The cynical New Yorker in me, however, wants to punch you in the face and bury you in the snow out back.
We’ll see what 2014 brings before we go passing out halos to Father Time.
Happy New Year, Modern Philosophers!