Poll Shows 57% Of Americans Have Already Broken Their New Year’s Resolutions

New Year's ResolutionsHappy New Year, Modern Philosophers!  Welcome to 2014.  Let’s see what just came across the ticker tape to amuse you…

A new poll, conducted early this morning, revealed that over half of Americans stupid enough to answer their phones at that hour had already broken at least one of their New Year’s resolutions.

“Once they woke up enough to actually hold up their part of the conversation, they were remarkably candid,” Peggy Cheevers, a spokesperson for Dominic Rand Polling Services, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Unfortunately, they also lit up a cigarette, took a sip of leftover champagne from the nightstand, munched on a handful of candy, or put our pollsters on hold while they called to cancel their gym memberships on the other line.”

ouch!  Not exactly the best way to start 2014, America.  Why is it that people can’t keep resolutions for even 24 hours?

“It’s basic American instinct to talk big and fail even bigger,” Dr. Janice Holliday, renowned resolution psychologist, informed me.  “People love to boast about all the great things they’re going to do in the new year.  It makes them feel like big shots and they’re usually fueled by alcohol.  All the while, they know they have absolutely no intention of keeping any of the resolutions on the list.”

haPPY 2014Judging from Dr. Holliday’s office, she is making out quite well by helping people deal with their inability to keep their resolutions.  I wonder if this Modern Philosopher could make a side business out of helping others with that issue.

So what about you, Modern Philosophers? Have you ignored my advice and made a list of New Year’s Resolutions?  Are you among the 57% who have already broken your promises?  Having a Happy New Year?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Poll Shows 57% Of Americans Have Already Broken Their New Year’s Resolutions

  1. T. D. Davis says:

    Good grief! Really?? That’s pretty sad.

  2. They answered their phones? 🙂

  3. ksbeth says:

    well it will all start tomorrow for me. have 4 more hours of debauchery and then i’ll go from there )

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