Mainers Vote To Hibernate Until April

HibernationWell, Maine’s Top Secret Election Day has come and gone, Modern Philosophers.  Despite the horribly frigid temperatures, Mainers turned out in records numbers to vote on Referendum Subzero, which appeared on the ballot as such:

“Should all Mainers be put into a state of hibernation so that we can sleep through the rest of Winter and be awakened on April 1 once the snow is gone and temperatures have finally risen above freezing?”

The measure passed with a whopping 71% of the vote going in the “Yes” column.

We are scheduled to be put to into our Deep Winter Slumber tomorrow night.  I’m really looking forward to it.  The procedure is being handled by our Alien friends, who use hibernation technology in their long journeys across the universe.

mothershipMost Mainers will spend the Winter snuggled away in their own beds as the Alien Technology has been adapted for home use.  I’m of the “lucky ones”, though, who gets to spend my hibernation aboard the Alien Mothership.  How cool is that? 

The Devil and Seamus have promised to house sit and feed Banky in my absence.

I’ve asked my Witch friends to check on Seamus and Satan periodically to make sure that they haven’t burned down The House on the Hill.  Hopefully, my Otherworldly Being friends will keep the blog up and running while I sleep.

There were obviously some Mainers opposed to the Long Winter’s Nap, but Governor LePage made it clear that if the referendum passed, every citizen in Maine had to hibernate.  LePage spokesperson Hannah van Winkle explained: “It wouldn’t be fair to let some people stay awake while the rest of us slept.  Those non-sleepers could ransack our homes, wear our clothes, or use our toilets without flushing.”

human hibernateExcellent points.  I’d expect nothing more intelligent from our Governor.  Luckily, he was not granted a spot on the Mothership.  I hear he snores very loudly.

Maybe the Aliens will just plant him in the snow outside of the Blaine House.  Would serve him right.

So, don’t be worried when you don’t hear from me for a few months.  I’ll just be in a massive spaceship, hovering over Maine, and sleeping like bear.  I expect to have some pretty wild dreams, and I’ll be sure to share them on the blog come April. 

Feel free to still come to Maine for a visit.  The Otherworldly Beings will be minding the store while we doze, so all the usual tourist attractions will be open.  I hear that Stephen King has given the go ahead to have visitors tour his home and peek in on him while he sleeps.  You shouldn’t pass up on a chance like that!

Enjoy the rest of the Winter.  See you in April!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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38 Responses to Mainers Vote To Hibernate Until April

  1. Someone will need to stand guard against the Non Toilet-flushing Scofflaws!

    I hope they don’t pee on the seat too.

    Tragedy awaits The Hibernators!

  2. Newfoundland Labrador is joining Maine. Move over.

  3. Hmmm… I’m not sure I’d sleep very well with an April Fool’s Day wake-up call…

  4. Hopefully it stays that way… happy hibernating!

  5. just4why says:

    I just do not see the flowers coming up soon. I received my ticket to hibernation today. It makes no sense fighting this cold anymore. Good luck on the mother ship.

  6. I won’t be visiting Maine any time soon. I have allergies to cold, and your stories are exacerbating them. 😉

  7. This has been my plan all along! Hibernation! Hope is catches on a few miles south of you.

  8. ksbeth says:

    good call and you may need to extend this until august

  9. Making like bears and hibernating for the winter. In alien pods no less. I think you’re on to something here! And I definitely would NOT pass up a chance to catch Stephen King sleeping. Does Stephen King sleep? I’ve always had the suspicion he was a vampire. An extremely talented writer vampire. Now I HAVE see!

  10. I’m OK with aliens, I want in – I’m right over here in CT !

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