I Advise You To Haunt It Out

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I hope you are surviving this cold snap that is plaguing New England.  Perhaps you could ask some of your Otherworldly Friends to rough up Snow Miser a bit and convince him to back off on the frigidity for awhile?

I’m a longtime fan of the blog, but first time writer to your advice column.  I recently purchased a lovely home in Vermont, and got it at a steep discount because it’s haunted.  Apparently, the last owner was driven mad by the Ghost and jumped off the roof.

I’m always up for a challenge, so I wasn’t put off by the fate of my predecessor.  However, I’ve been stressed lately with all the weather related issues I’ve had to deal with in the house, I’m not getting much sleep because of all the racket the Ghost is making, and I’m  thinking that a walk on the steep, slippery, snow covered roof might be a great idea.

I know I’ll eventually get the weather related problems under control, but I’m not so sure about the Ghost.  He seems to really want me out of the house, and he’s really stepped up his efforts over the last week and a half.

How do I win over my Ghost and make my Haunted House seem a little more like a home?

Thanks for your help!

Horribly Haunted

GhostsDear Haunted,

Are you haunted because you live in Vermont, or are you just referring to your Ghost situation?  Sorry…just had to slip in a little New England rivalry humor.

You have come to the right place for advice on this matter.  As you know, The House on the Hill is blessed with Ghosts.  The Woodbury Family, the original builders and first residents of this house, live in my attic.

They are a wonderful clan, rarely leave the attic, and have welcomed me into their home with open arms.  I’ll often visit with them and beg them to tell me stories of the good old days.  I have to pass through the attic to see my Gargoyle, and sometimes I’ll get so caught up in conversation with the Woodburys that it’s a couple of hours before I actually make it up to hang with Gary.

The reason we get along so well is because when I first moved into The House on the Hill, I sought out the Woodburys and asked if we could haunt the house together.  They were genuinely touched by the request, and told me that none of the previous owners had ever wanted to do such a thing.

I got to see my Ghosts in their element.  We spent a week clamoring around the place at night, raising a ruckus, and scaring the crap out of my wife.  The Woodburys got the haunting out of their systems, we forged a bond mightier than the chains they rattled while they roamed the house at night, and we knew we’d be able to share The House on the Hill in peace and harmony.

Even now, a couple of times a year, we go all Amityville Horror on the place just so that my Ghosts feel bad ass.  We like to do it when I have guests over because Ghosts still need to know that they can make a human piss the bed whenever they desire.

So I advise you to haunt it out!  Tell your Ghost you want to get all Blair Witch with him.  Don’t take no for an answer.  Haunt and pester him until he relents.  Invite some folks over, and then bond with your Ghost as you scare them to the point of death.  You’ll have a great time (trust me on that!) and your Ghost will accept you and let you get some sleep.

Let me know how it turns out.  Nothing’s cooler than owning a Haunted House, so I hope you stay off that roof and learn to live happily ever after with your Ghost.


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to I Advise You To Haunt It Out

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    I usually keep my spirits in the liquor cabinet, but I suppose the attic works, too…

  2. floridaborne says:

    I’m fortunate I don’t have a ghost in the house. If I do, he’s quiet. If anyone should have a ghost in the house, it would be me. Why? My father died in the room I’m presently inhabiting. Or here’s another thought…maybe he’s keeping the burglars away?

  3. ksbeth says:

    could you share a room with bunk beds ?

  4. Pingback: Haunted Reality - Shadows Never Sleep « Unseen World

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