When I returned to The House on the Hill after a stressful day at work, all I wanted was to make sure the place was still standing, and then try to survive the worst birthday ever without any more catastrophes. Wasn’t going to happen.
I had just sat down after taking a quick tour and finding nothing amiss, when there was a knock at the door. The way the hair stood up on the back of my neck, I knew it wasn’t just any visitor out on the porch.
“Happy Birthday, Austin,” the Archangel Rachel said in her soft, sweet voice when I opened the door. The mere sight of the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen made me smile for the first time all day, but I had a sense this wasn’t just a social visit.
Of course it was. Why would my day improve one iota?
God liked to send Archangels to deliver messages for me to disperse to the masses via my blog. He didn’t get that my blog doesn’t have the reach He seemed to think it did.
The one good thing about the arrangement was that He had settled on Rachel as our permanent liaison.
I invited Rachel into the living room, she made her intimidating wings and flaming sword disappear, and we sat down. She then produced a bottle of Snapple seemingly from nowhere. “It’s your favorite,” she whispered as she handed it to me.
She waited for me to take a sip before she hit me with the big news. “God isn’t pleased, Austin,” she could not hide the slight roll of her big brown eyes as she spoke the words. “This severe Winter Weather that’s been ravaging the country is basically an icy update on the Biblical Plagues. He’s trying to wipe the human race off the face of the Earth. This is your Snowmageddon.”
I took a long sip of my Snapple. In fact, I just chugged the entire bottle as Rachel patiently allowed her words to sink into my thick skull.
“He’s had it, and he’s serious about pulling the plug,” she assured me as I nervously peeled the label off my empty bottle. “He’s ready to turn over the planet to the animals and see what they do with it.”
Why now? What had we done that suddenly caused the Big Guy to just give up on us?
“The Holiday Season was excessively gluttonous from His perspective,” Rachel answered softly as if she feared her words would destroy me. “He’s okay with a little greed, but no one seems to remember that Christmas is about the birth of His Only Son, who was put on this planet to die for your sins. All He saw was debauchery and the Seven Deadly Sins taking the forefront for an entire month.”
“I can concur on that, Birthday Boy.”
The voice from behind me startled me so much that I dropped the Snapple bottle, and it rolled across the living room floor.
The Devil stepped out of the shadows. “Didn’t mean to startle you,” he apologized and then gave a civil nod to Rachel, his former coworker and now sworn enemy. Luckily, they had agreed to a truce when they ran into each other at The House on the Hill. “I’ve barely had to lift a finger. There’s been so much atrocious behavior, that I’m earning souls left and right without even having to make a deal to get them. It’s been centuries since I’ve seen humans act this poorly.”
Seeing Rachel and Satan in agreement was a giant jolt of reality. This really was the end of days. The snow, the ice, the frigid temperatures, the floods, the traffic accidents, the roofs crashing in…it was God’s way of smiting us.
Holy @#$%!!! Not the kind of news a Modern Philosopher wants on any day, let alone his birthday.
“God said to get out the message on your blog,” Rachel advised. “If He doesn’t see a marked improvement immediately, the snow will not stop until the human race has been eliminated. This is your final warning.”
Gulp. It was a lot to swallow. I asked my guests if they wouldn’t mind giving me some alone time, and they begrudgingly complied.
This was the worst birthday I’ve ever had. I’d really like another shot at doing it right next year. What do you say we get our #$%^ together, stop being so selfish, and show a little generosity towards each other? If you don’t do it for yourselves, then do it for me. It’s my birthday, and not having mankind wiped out if my birthday wish!
Will you do it for the Birthday Boy, Modern Philosophers?