God Admits That Harsh Winter Is Meant To Wipe Out Human Race

BlizzardMy birthday did not get any better, Modern Philosophers.  After my leaking ceiling and bathroom flood, I also took a hard fall on the ice while walking to my car.  Ouch!

When I returned to The House on the Hill after a stressful day at work, all I wanted was to make sure the place was still standing, and then try to survive the worst birthday ever without any more catastrophes.  Wasn’t going to happen.

I had just sat down after taking a quick tour and finding nothing amiss, when there was a knock at the door.  The way the hair stood up on the back of my neck, I knew it wasn’t just any visitor out on the porch.

“Happy Birthday, Austin,” the Archangel Rachel said in her soft, sweet voice when I opened the door.  The mere sight of the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen made me smile for the first time all day, but I had a sense this wasn’t just a social visit.

Angel Rachel“I wanted to see you on your special day,” she smiled, revealing the adorable dimple on her perfect right cheek.  “Unfortunately, this is also a business call.”

Of course it was.  Why would my day improve one iota?

God liked to send Archangels to deliver messages for me to disperse to the masses via my blog.  He didn’t get that my blog doesn’t have the reach He seemed to think it did.

The one good thing about the arrangement was that He had settled on Rachel as our permanent liaison.

I invited Rachel into the living room, she made her intimidating wings and flaming sword disappear, and we sat down.  She then produced a bottle of Snapple seemingly from nowhere.  “It’s your favorite,” she whispered as she handed it to me.

She waited for me to take a sip before she hit me with the big news.  “God isn’t pleased, Austin,” she could not hide the slight roll of her big brown eyes as she spoke the words.  “This severe Winter Weather that’s been ravaging the country is basically an icy update on the Biblical Plagues.  He’s trying to wipe the human race off the face of the Earth.  This is your Snowmageddon.”

I took a long sip of my Snapple.  In fact, I just chugged the entire bottle as Rachel patiently allowed her words to sink into my thick skull.

Camel Blizzard“He’s had it, and he’s serious about pulling the plug,” she assured me as I nervously peeled the label off my empty bottle.  “He’s ready to turn over the planet to the animals and see what they do with it.”

Why now?  What had we done that suddenly caused the Big Guy to just give up on us?

“The Holiday Season was excessively gluttonous from His perspective,” Rachel answered softly as if she feared her words would destroy me.  “He’s okay with a little greed, but no one seems to remember that Christmas is about the birth of His Only Son, who was put on this planet to die for your sins.  All He saw was debauchery and the Seven Deadly Sins taking the forefront for an entire month.”

“I can concur on that, Birthday Boy.”

The voice from behind me startled me so much that I dropped the Snapple bottle, and it rolled across the living room floor.

DevilThe Devil stepped out of the shadows.  “Didn’t mean to startle you,” he apologized and then gave a civil nod to Rachel, his former coworker and now sworn enemy.  Luckily, they had agreed to a truce when they ran into each other at The House on the Hill.  “I’ve barely had to lift a finger.  There’s been so much atrocious behavior, that I’m earning souls left and right without even having to make a deal to get them.  It’s been centuries since I’ve seen humans act this poorly.”

Seeing Rachel and Satan in agreement was a giant jolt of reality.  This really was the end of days.  The snow, the ice, the frigid temperatures, the floods, the traffic accidents, the roofs crashing in…it was God’s way of smiting us.

Holy @#$%!!!  Not the kind of news a Modern Philosopher wants on any day, let alone his birthday.

“God said to get out the message on your blog,” Rachel advised.  “If He doesn’t see a marked improvement immediately, the snow will not stop until the human race has been eliminated.  This is your final warning.”

Gulp.  It was a lot to swallow.  I asked my guests if they wouldn’t mind giving me some alone time, and they begrudgingly complied.

Birthday!I’ve been sitting here on the couch, wondering what I could write to inspire my fellow man to save the world.  The best I could come up with is:

This was the worst birthday I’ve ever had.  I’d really like another shot at doing it right next year.  What do you say we get our #$%^ together, stop being so selfish, and show a little generosity towards each other?  If you don’t do it for yourselves, then do it for me.  It’s my birthday, and not having mankind wiped out if my birthday wish!

Will you do it for the Birthday Boy, Modern Philosophers?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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26 Responses to God Admits That Harsh Winter Is Meant To Wipe Out Human Race

  1. ksbeth says:

    sorry your special day just got worse and worse, but there is always next year to look forward to. bad news about the tumble, just to add injury to insult and hope you didn’t get too hurt. i’ll do my best to try to help mankind stick around a little longer. ) beth

  2. Sorry your birthday was a bummer! Happy Birthday anyway…

  3. 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

    It’s good that the folks in Maine are hardy folks. Did you know you can get burned by ice? Looks like the Devil has you if he offers you a nice warm place while you think on that message?

  4. 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

    Maybe the Devil is showing us that life on earth is indeed Hell.

  5. gimpet says:

    Happy Birthday Austin. I am trying to turn over new and Holier leaf….

  6. markbialczak says:

    Not many people get personal visits from the Archangel Rachel and the Devil on the same day. Austin. What a way to cap a birthday that started with a leaky bathroom ceiling, scraping ice off the roof and a fall in the ice walking to your car. I promise to do my part to make sure that you get another crack at better things 365 days from now.

  7. JED says:

    Happy birthday Austin! Think of it this way, as bad as it was it made for a memorable birthday. One you can talk about well into old age.

  8. Happy birthday, Austin. I will put aside my selfishness for you ….but just for today. I can’t very well keep this up!

  9. markbialczak says:

    Austin, I nominated you for The Lighthouse Award because you are a shining example of what a New York guy can do with wit and wisdom in Maine.
    http://markbialczak.com/2014/01/07/the-lighthouse-award-has-me-feeling-bright/

  10. The Cutter says:

    Well, humanity had a good run. Not as good as the dinosaurs, but still pretty good. Happy birthday!

  11. amb says:

    You and I should just start celebrating our birthdays in July. I think that would solve a lot of problems! (Or if not, at least we’d be warm 😉 )

  12. Aussa Lorens says:

    Aw, I’m sorry you had a bad birthday! Next year… next year…

  13. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS SPIRIT…!

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