I Advise You To Move Out Of Maine, Or To Just Man Up

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I have read every single one of your posts, and while you make Maine seem like a marvelous, Magical place, I can’t help but notice that the weather seems to be a real bitch and that it really bothers you.

I feel the same way.  I live in Maine, and I love all the amazing things that make Maine so awesome.  The Otherworldly Beings are a hoot, that Governor LePage is a total dolt, but he’s good for a barrel of laughs, and it seems like a terribly romantic place to spend happily ever after if the love of your life happens to be here, too.

Like you, I am having a real problem handling the Winters.  This one has been especially stressful for me.  I’ve had to deal with leaks, floods, frozen pipes, an icy driveway that I could not navigate, car doors freezing open, and more snow to remove than I can handle.

I’ve also realized that a lot of the problem is not having someone here with me to help deal with all the issues.  When you’re part of a team, it cuts down on the stress and worry.  Plus, there’s always someone to hold your hand and assure you all will be well.

What should I do?  I love Maine except for the Winters and when I start to feel very lonely and cut off from the rest of the world.  It just gets my toga all up in a bunch.

You are clearly a wise and handsome man, so please advise me.

Some Total Stranger You Definitely Do Not Know

shovelDear Austin,

Haven’t we given some serious Deep Thought to this?  If you write letters to the blog asking yourself/me for advice, it’s not only a little creepy, but it also makes it very confusing for me/you to make pronoun choices in the reply!

For the sake of convenience, I am going to reply to this letter as if you are someone else.  Writing to myself is going to be weird, but who knows?  Maybe I’ll give myself/you some awesome advice and I/you will feel better about what’s bugging you/me.

I know the Winters are hard, dear reader, but you also make it clear that you enjoy life in Maine.  Maybe you’ve forgotten how stressed the hustle and bustle of New York and Los Angeles made you feel?  If you recall, you did have a partner when you lived in both those places, and did having her there really reduce your stress levels?

I think not.  She only made it worse.  You fought all the time and you weren’t happy.

I know that the Winters are difficult, but you have been handling them much better.  You’ve actually been driving in the snow and on the highway.  When something bad happens, you’re lucky to have nice neighbors who are willing to help you with the repairs.

I also know that a big part of all this is that you miss The Girl Who Always Makes You Feel Safe And Secure.  I miss her, too.  You really love her and it’s been difficult having her so far away and never knowing when you might hear from her or see her again.

So I advise you to either move out of Maine, or just man up.  Maine does tap into things that raise your stress levels, but I think anywhere you move will be that way.  Life is full of stress.  You’ve just got to learn how to deal with it better.

Maybe you could start a blog.  I hear writing is very therapeutic.

As for that beautiful girl…she needs to realize how important you are to her.  There’s nothing you can do to force that.  You could just stop sitting around waiting for her, and share your awesomeness with someone else.

I’ll leave that one up to you, handsome.

Thanks for reading the blog.  And for writing it, too…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to I Advise You To Move Out Of Maine, Or To Just Man Up

  1. Yeah, Austin…Austin has some very sound advice for you.

    Oh and Austin? Listen to Austin.

    Grow a pair.

    Big. Brass. Ones.

  2. floridaborne says:

    That post was 3 shades of cute. 🙂

    To add to your confusion, there are more than a few ways to answer your dilemma.
    1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
    2. Absence makes the heart go wander
    3. The best things in life are worth waiting for
    4. The best things in life are out the door.

    If you’re not confused by now, I promise I have a lot more confusing platitudes I can throw at you. 🙂

  3. List of X says:

    Either the winter is driving you crazy, or there are now two Austins, which means you two can take turns shoveling snow and writing blogs.

  4. Karen Witkowski says:

    Ah… but the challenges of life in Maine make for a very entertaining blog…

  5. I refuse to live in Maine. It may be a great place during some of the year, but I don’t do cold. I’m an outdoor life guard, for Pete sake.

  6. ksbeth says:

    i think that your gave your anonymous self the perfect advice

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