Snowman Suicides Skyrocket In Maine As Warm Weather Persists

Melting-Snowman-3Winter can be a depressing time for humans, Modern Philosophers, but it has proven to be much worse for snowmen in Maine.

As temperatures continue to hover in the 40s, the snow and ice have virtually vanished from sight.  As has Maine’s snowman population.

A record 44 snowman suicides have been reported in the Bangor area since Sunday.  The numbers are much worse on a statewide basis, and are so troubling, I have chosen not to share them at this time.

Bangor Police Chief Wendall Moody told this Modern Philosopher, “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years on the force.  Not only does it freak out the little ones to see the smashed up bodies in the middle of the street or sidewalk, but it’s also a major danger to passing pedestrians and motorists.”

“It’s a wonder we haven’t seen more of this behavior during previous Winters,” Dr. Larry Shuman, Chief of Psychiatry at Acadia Hospital, told this Modern Philosopher.  “It would make sense for snowmen to have suicidal thoughts when it gets warmer.  They know they’re going to die, so they’re like any other terminal patient who much decide if they want to die a slow death, or simply end the misery.”

Depressed SnowBut aren’t there other options for Maine’s snowman population?  It’s not like this heat wave is going to continue through Spring.

“There are support groups, with meetings held in severely air conditioned rooms to make the participants more comfortable,” Nicki Samaria of Maine’s Crisis Center explained.  “There are ice trucks and restaurant freezers made available to any snowman that thinks he might take his life, or is worried that he will not survive until the mercury drops again.  I know it’s a little creepy, but the hospitals even make room in the morgue for snowmen who want to wait out the heat wave.  There are options, and the folks at the Crisis Center are there to talk to any snowman who calls seeking help.”

What does the Bangor Police Department recommend that citizens do if they see a snowman about to take his life?

Snowman roof“Call 911 immediately,” Chief Moody replied.  “Let the professionals handle it.  If you were to say the wrong thing, that snowman might snap and turn himself into a giant pile of slush.  If you see a snowman up on a roof, get the heck out of the way.  When they jump, they fall a lot faster and harder than you’d expect.  If there are any children in the area, please get them out of there.  This sort of thing will give them nightmares for many Winters.”

So if you really want to help your friendly neighborhood snowman, Modern Philosophers, you can tell him to call 1-888-564-SNOW, which is the Maine State Crisis Hotline number set up specifically for snowmen.  Even out of state snowmen can call that number and receive free help and advice.  You could also offer your pal an icy cold place to wait out the warm temps, like a basement or an unheated garage.

And if you see a snowman about to jump, call 911 and clear out of the splatter zone.  Everyone loves a hero, but no one wants to see a hero crushed to death by a depressed snowman who couldn’t quite learn to fly…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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18 Responses to Snowman Suicides Skyrocket In Maine As Warm Weather Persists

  1. floridaborne says:

    Imaginative, and I thought the pictures were great!
    I’ll bet you’d rather see a few snowmen die than face below 0 temperatures for a while.
    Did someone come out and clear the ice off your road, or did you have to wait for nature to finish the job?

  2. bafriyie says:

    This is so funny! The picture with the snowman on the side of the street, with the “I’ll be dead soon” sign draped across his body made me snort.
    Maybe the population is dying down because these snowmen can’t find any mates.

  3. Sometimes l do miss the snow…..

  4. ksbeth says:

    i have a feeling, they’ll be back!

  5. Now, THAT is a story! I really want to be there when the first person calls 911 as they see a snowman about to take his life. As a matter of fact..

  6. susielindau says:

    SO sad. Does the bad news ever end in Maine???

  7. Almost Iowa says:

    The tragedy in Maine has cause disruption across the northern Midwest. Snow people, numbering in the tens of thousands, are migrating willy-nilly into our region, stretching our already thin social and civic resources to the breaking point.

    It is now impossible to find snow cones or ice at Super-Value, the school yards are crowded with little foreign snow kids and on the streets you can hardly understand what is being said because of the dreadful accents.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against snow people from other states. We have two families of them in our yard. They are wonderful lawn ornaments, but I’m just saying – do we really have to take so many?

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