It is never enjoyable to be awakened from a deep sleep, Modern Philosophers, but it sucks even more when the disturbance is caused by The Prince of Darkness after he’s made himself comfortable in a chair next to your bed.
I mumbled something about how this had better be the worst nightmare ever, and then rolled onto my side and away from the voice.
“Stop pretending that I’m not sitting here, Austin,” The Devil demanded before popping the top off of a Snapple.
I shot up in bed, turned on the light, and glared at him for stealing what I knew to be the very last Snapple in my refrigerator.
“I’d like to file a complaint against your blog, and I will literally make your life a living Hell until you hear me out and make this right,” he threatened.
I had no choice but to get out of bed and put on my robe. I insisted that the conversation be moved downstairs, though, because the last angry devil I’d talked to in that bedroom had divorced me and turned my life upside down.
Once we had settled onto the couch, my uninvited offered me an ice cold Snapple from the cooler he had brought with him. “You thought I’d taken your last Snapple, didn’t you?”
After I took a long sip, and then wiped some of the sleep out of my eyes, I urged him to tell me what was so important that he had felt compelled to wake me up at this ungodly hour.
“You let Santa Claus offer free accommodations at The North Pole to any Mainer who hated Winter,” he practically hissed at me. “If you’re going to give him all that free time on your blog, you also have to give the beings that he is campaigning against equal time to make their pitch!”
Equal time? Campaigning? Pitch? Maybe this was a nightmare…
“There is a constant battle going on for the hearts, minds, and souls of the human race,” Lucifer explained as he slammed his Snapple bottle on the table. “Santa Claus represents all that is good in the world. I represent a slightly different perspective. I’d like a chance to make my pitch before jolly, ole fat boy gets everybody.”
I rolled my eyes and drank more Snapple. I knew I’d never be allowed to go back to sleep until I allowed him to say whatever was on his mind, so I just signaled to him to spit it out.
“I’d like to offer all your readers a warm place in Hell for all eternity,” The Devil told me in his most charming voice. “I guarantee they will never again see another blizzard or snowflake. No more freezing temperatures, no wind chills, no frozen pipes, no icy roads, and no need to ever again pick up a snow shovel or fire up a snow blower. They have my word that they will never complain about Winter again. Ever.”
I pointed out that unlike Santa Claus’ offer, his came with a price.
The Devil snickered. “First off, Santa was only offering a place for the rest of the Winter. My offer is for eternity. Secondly, there’s a good chance a portion of your readers are going to end up spending the afterlife with me anyway. Why not just start it now and get the Hell away from this polar vortex annoyance?”
There was no sense arguing with The Prince of Darkness, so his offer is out there, Modern Philosophers. If you’d like to claim your place in Hell, just send him a message in the comments section, and I’ll be sure he gets it.
Sometimes, I really wish I just lived in a normal house and had normal friends…