More Rejection For Your Funny Bone’s Attention

RejectionHappy Sunday, Modern Philosophers!

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman aired last night.  None of my monologue jokes were used in this episode, but I made it onto the next two weeks, so I’m okay with that.

You seemed to like it when I shared my rejected jokes with you last week, so why not go for another round?  I enjoy getting your feedback, and I want to make sure somebody gets to hear/read the fruit of my hard work.

Here is a sampling of the jokes that did not make it onto The Nite Show which aired on February 22, 2014:

The Winter Olympics are wrapping up this week.  How many of you have been watching? (pause for audience response).  I’m sure you’ve heard about the horrible conditions in the living quarters built for the athletes and the press.  As a result, countries are basing their Winter Olympics success this year not only on their medal count, but also on the number of their countrymen that get out of Sochi alive.

There’s been so much snow this winter. I’m sure you’re all sick of it by now.  Have you noticed that the Weather Channel has been naming the Winter Storms just like they name hurricanes?  (pause for response) Well, we just had Winter Storms Pax and Quintas, which means they’re getting to the end of the alphabet.  So the Weather Channel has started a contest to let viewers pick new names for a second run through the alphabet.  They’ve had over 25,000 entries so far and not a single one has been something they could say on the air without being fined by the FCC.  A lot of angry people out there, with some very colorful vocabularies…

nite logoA fifth person has been charged in the plot to smuggle narwhal whale tusks into the US through Maine from Canada.   Officials got very suspicious when the suspect kept saying “This is not a narwhal whale tusk in my pants.  I’m just REALLY happy to see you!”


The Winter Olympics are almost over, and it looks like they’ve finally solved the mystery of why so many of the hotel rooms in Sochi were without doors, light bulbs and shower curtains, but did come with stray dogs and water that guests were told to not drink or use on their bodies.  It turns out that someone in the Ministry of Records filed the old Gulag blue prints where the Olympic Hotel ones were supposed to be.  I hate to point out the obvious, but they NEVER had this kind of screw up back in the days of Communism…

Ratings are down for the Winter Olympics, which has both the International Olympic Committee and the TV Networks concerned because the games are a huge source of revenue.  The IOC and the TV execs have come up with a surefire way to boost the ratings for the 2018 Winter Olympics…they’re adding Zombies to all the events.  

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Do you think any of those should have made the cut?  Are you chuckling at my attempt to slip a Zombie joke onto the air?

If you would like to support the show, you can follow The Nite Show on Facebook or on Twitter, where the address is @TheNiteShowME.  If you want to tweet to the show about using more of my jokes, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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12 Responses to More Rejection For Your Funny Bone’s Attention

  1. gimpet says:

    I love the zombie one, it should have made it! You have great tongue in cheek humor.

  2. Narwhal whale tusk! Happy to see you!


    • Austin says:

      I so thought that was going to make it. I mean, he asked me to write a joke about narwhal whale tusk smuggling, I came though, so how could he deny that one air time????

  3. floridaborne says:

    I like the one about the winter storm names. Maybe they whould start naming them after notorious people, like Winter Storm Manson. 🙂

  4. List of X says:

    I think these rejected jokes are better than the last batch. If you keep getting better as quickly, I think there won’t be any more rejected jokes posts in the future. 🙂

  5. Austin, my favorite was #5, the last one. I thought #2 was amusing. My mind went to names based on ethnic slang–Yiddish, Italian, English. I, for one, would ROFL for a storm named Wanker or Schmendrick. Number 4 just needs tweaking. Perhaps references to glasnost? …Cold War shtick …Where’s a KGB officer when you need one? Stalin would never stand for this. Other suggestions to boost ratings–Door Prize drawing, every 100th ticket a winner, Bingo, Russian Roulette, Bowling for Borscht.

  6. ksbeth says:

    love the winter storm weather naming joke )

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