Maine’s Zombies Unhappy With Lack Of Zombie Academy Awards Nominees

ZombiesI think I’m suffering from a n actual fever in addition to Oscar Fever, Modern Philosophers, so that’s probably why I sent the interns out on such an odd assignment.

It also explains why they were in such a rush to escape The House on the Hill and get away from my Winter Plague germs.

I had walked in on the interns talking about The Walking Dead, and that led to a conversation about the Academy Awards and Zombie flicks.  Before I knew it, I was sending them out to interview Zombies, and get their insight on the lack of Zombies nominated for an Oscar this year.

Before you go calling the University of Maine to tattle on me for abusing my interns, I’ll have you know that the kids were well armed and like all Mainers, have completed Zombie Dispatching Training.   They were also accompanied by Gary the Gargoyle and a team of Maine Zombie Hunters.

I might be flush with fever, but I’m no tyrant!

So what did Maine’s Zombie population think about there being ZERO Zombies among this year’s Academy Awards nominees?

3 Oscars“They weren’t pleased,” Kori, who had appointed herself head intern on their first day at The House on the Hill, explained to this flu-stricken Modern Philosopher.  “Any time we posed the question, they would reply by moaning their displeasure with the situation.  Some of the Zombies walked right out into traffic or straight into a crossbow arrow because they were so despondent over the nomination oversight.”

The other interns nodded in emphatic agreement when I asked them if they were on board with Kori’s assessment of the data they had collected.

Kori checked her notes and then continued.  “When we posed the question of how many of them would be tuning in to this year’s Oscar telecast, none of them answered.  Clearly, ABC will not be getting any sort of ratings bump from the Zombie demographic.”

I sipped my Snapple and pondered what Kori had told me.  None of it really surprised me, but now that I had the raw data in front of me, I found it all intriguing.

“I also decided to add another question as long as we were already out there,” Kori informed me and then looked to me for approval for her initiative.  She received it in the form of a smile and my handing her a Snapple.  The other interns were clearly jealous, and Kori milked it by taking an extremely long sip of her icy beverage.

ellen-oscar“We asked the Zombies if they thought Ellen would be a good host,” Kori finally continued.  “A surprising 83% of the respondents voted in the affirmative.  With comment such as: Ellen good, Ellen yes,  Ellen really is quite likable, so I’m sure she’ll knock this out of the park.  And my personal favorite: I wish I wasn’t a Zombie so I could enjoy the Oscars and laugh at Ellen’s witty and kindhearted humor. ”

Modern Philosophers, this Kori kid is going places.  If she can get those kind of responses out of Maine’s Zombie population, then she can do just about anything.  If anyone is looking for a young, ambitious reporter, researcher, or segment producer, let me know and I will shoot you a copy of Kori’s resume.

Happy Academy Awards Eve!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to Maine’s Zombies Unhappy With Lack Of Zombie Academy Awards Nominees

  1. It’s a sadly neglected group in terms of marketing potential. Zombies are a demographic that are clawing, biting, and gnawing their way to global prominence everyday!

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    I heard the numbers for zombie viewership of the Oscars used to very large. But over time, it has gotten pretty rotten and continued to drop off.

  3. List of X says:

    I feel sorry for Zombies, but their acting leaves a lot to wish for. There is no passion, no dialogue – “BRRRAAAINNZZZ” does relay yearning, but their range of emotions is very limited. They shouldn’t even expect a lifetime achievement award, because, you know, they’re dead.

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