Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Oscars And An Oscars Fanatic

3 OscarsWelcome to a very special Oscar Edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch”, Modern Philosophers!

I’ve had to halt production on everyone’s favorite talk show set on a front porch because this Winter has been much too cold for me to ask anyone to sit outside with me.

The Academy Awards are this weekend, however, and as they say in show business “The show must go on!”.  Plus, a certain TV network hinted that if this edition was a big success, the show could have a very bright future (as well as a heated front porch set!).

I’m sure you remember how this works.  I am joined on my porch by two guests, who get to ask each other just one question.  I sit between them, look handsome, sip my Snapple, and make sure they don’t get into a fight.

Let’s welcome my guests for this very special Oscar Edition: from New York City, sports writer Oscar Madison, and from Sesame Street, colorful neighborhood personality, Oscar the Grouch!

The interns set up Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can on the seat to my left, and he asked the first question.  “Oscar, I used to watch your show religiously,” he said as he raised his head out of the garbage can for his fellow guest to get a good look at him.  “Tell me, how in the world did you manage not to kill that annoying Felix guy?”

Oscar MadisonOscar Madison smiled, pulled the cigar out of his pocket, sniffed it, and then tucked it away for later.  “To be perfectly honest, Oscar, I’m not sure.  I contemplated killing him every damn day!”

“I think it was the producers who kept me from committing murder,” he confessed.  “They reminded me that the show was called ‘The Odd Couple’ and that if I murdered Felix, not only would that title not make sense anymore, but I’d also have to go to jail.  From what I knew about New York prisons, they were real sticklers about prisoners keeping their jail cells tidy.  So it just wasn’t worth it.”

The audience didn’t seem to know how to respond, nor did I, so I took a long sip of my Snapple and prayed that the network bigwigs in attendance weren’t regretting their decision to give me my own Oscar Special.

That was when Oscar the Grouch saved the day.  He began to clap, then cheer, and finally he implored the audience to join him.  The next thing I knew, the hundreds of fans gathered on the Great Lawn were giving Oscar Madison a standing ovation!

He finally had to stand up to acknowledge the cheers, and only after that, did the crowd settle and return to their blankets on the grass.

Mr. Madison pointed at his fellow guest to thank him for getting the crowd on his side.  Mr. Grouch responded with a tip of his garbage can lid.

Oscar Madison was still standing when he asked his question.  “I’ve got to ask the one question that I bet everyone gathered here today has wanted to ask you at least once in their lives.  Can I get into that garbage can with you?”

Oscar GrouchThe crowd gasped, and I actually put down my Snapple.  The network executives inched closer to the porch for a better view as we all awaited the Grouch’s reply.

“Now that I know you’re likely not to murder me, why the hell not?” Oscar the Grouch replied and pushed back the lid on his garbage can while motioning for Oscar Madison to join him.

The audience roared.  I clapped wildly.  The interns hugged.  Oscar Madison climbed into Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can and made talk show history.

All on the front porch of The House on the Hill during a very special Oscar Edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch”.  Thanks for joining us on the porch.  I promise to have you back again real soon!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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4 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Oscars And An Oscars Fanatic

  1. ksbeth says:

    kind of good you got the two of them together, they do have some things in common )

  2. reocochran says:

    I loved this post, Austin! I was a fan of the Odd Couple show, doesn’t that date us a bit? But Oscar the Grouch is still around, with his fun and grumpy ways. This was a good play on the word, Oscar! Take it easy, way up North in Maine! Smiles, Robin

    • Austin says:

      Thanks, Robin! I remember watching The Odd Couple in reruns, and I read recently that they plan to shoot a pilot with Matthew Perry playing Oscar. He seems more like a Felix to me. Happy Oscars Sunday! 🙂

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