Today, challenger and frontrunner Mayor McCheese responded to allegations in a Penobscot County Courier article that referred to him as “a hamburger addicted cannibal”.
“The idea that I have to even address this issue is beyond ludicrous,” McCheese told the throng of reporters gathered at a hastily called news conference outside the Broadway McDonald’s in Bangor. “It is well documented that I am a vegetarian, and these baseless claims, made by an anonymous source, are offensive. Why is no one questioning why the Courier, a newspaper that staunchly supports Governor LePage, would run such a story without supplying any proof to substantiate it claims, or the name of the source?”
I tried asking the very same question of the Courier’s staff, but no one would return this Modern Philosopher’s phone calls.
Perhaps they were all out delivering newspapers or meeting with anonymous sources.
Zeus, who aside from being the Father of the Greek Gods is also Mayor McCheese’s campaign manager, provided the press with dozens of photographs taking during the campaign. In every one of them, his candidate was eating a salad or vegetables or something that was not meat.
“We all know what this is, Austin,” Zeus growled at me after the news conference. “The Mayor is blowing away the Governor in the polls, so his people are doing a little meat slinging to try to try to sully a good Otherworldly Being’s name.”
Zeus was clearly upset by the article and its accusations. “It is a good thing that I know how to control my urge to hurl a few lightning bolts at the objects of my dissatisfaction. If not, Maine would be in for quite an electrical storm!”
Governor LePage issued a short, snippy comment on the issue: “I’m the Governor of Maine. I don’t write for that newspaper. Leave me out of this.”
Such an eloquent man. I am certainly going to miss him.
Once the crowd had dispersed and Zeus had gone for a walk to clear his head of visions of lightning strikes, Candidate McCheese brought me a chocolate shake and sat down across from me. “As crazy as it gets, I’ll never stop loving life as a public servant.”
He then stunned me by taking a Big Mac box out of his bag, and as my eyes grew wider, he opened it and smiled. There were just some French Fries inside, and after he took a couple, McCheese offered the rest to me.
“I really hope the people of Maine choose me on Election Day because I would love nothing more than to serve as the Governor of this great state. I’m not going to let a few bad apples spoil an otherwise incredibly delicious apple pie. Which is just one dollar on our everyday value menu, you know.”
Mayor McCheese gave me a wink. “Even us non-cannibals can love McDonald’s.”
This is why I love life in Maine. There’s never a dull moment, such incredible characters live here, and the chocolate shakes are especially delicious!