Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Irish Icons And An Irish Kid From Brooklyn

3 leprechaunsWelcome, Modern Philosophers, to a special St. Patrick’s Day edition of “Three Chairs on a Porch”, Maine’s top rated talk show set on a front porch!

The Luck of the Irish is with us today as the temperature is in the mid-forties.  The Department of Labor, The Board of Health, and The Weather Channel have all cleared us to do this episode outdoors!

In case you’ve forgotten the format of the show, two guests join me on the porch of The House on the Hill.  They get to ask each other only one question, while I sit between them and enjoy the conversation.

Since I’m half Irish, Modern Philosophers, it was very important to me that the interns lined up two excellent guests for this special edition.  It doesn’t look like I’m going to have to fire anyone because I’m joined today by two Irish icons:

St. Patrick and Seamus, Maine’s only Leprechaun!

Seamus ran out and hopped up onto the seat on my right, while St. Patrick strolled out, almost regally, to claim the seat on my left.

My Leprechaun friend was so excited that he blurted out his question immediately: “St. Paddy, you are me hero.  It’s a great honor to finally meet ya in the flesh.  I’ve seen ya quite often in me drunken hallucinations, and you’ve given me some great advice in those moments.  So thanks for that.  Me question is a little different, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to ask ya.  St. Paddy, will ya please give me a blessing, so me life is a wee bit more hopeful in the years to come?”

The crowd gathered on the Great Lawn gasped at the audacity of Seamus’ request.

St. PatrickSt. Patrick smiled.  “Of course, my son.”

Seamus scampered across the porch, took off his hat, and knelt in front of the great saint.

I’ve never seen Seamus so quiet and respectful in all the time I’ve known him.  I should have St. Patrick visit more often.

St. Patrick rose from his chair, put his right hand upon Seamus’ head, and recited a blessing in Gaelic.  I have no idea what he said, but it sounded beautiful.  When it was over, Seamus wiped a tear from his eye and slowly made his way back to his chair.

The crowd rose in a standing ovation.  I toasted St. Patrick with my Snapple, and remained standing until the quiet man finally took his seat again.

I looked over at Seamus, and my friend had the biggest smile on his face.  It was the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and I’ve seen Seamus three sheets to happy quite often.

St. Patrick turned to face Maine’s only Leprechaun.  I sipped my Snapple nervously, totally unsure of what to expect.  Sure, I’ve had a saint on the show before, but Santa Claus was much more laid back and easier to read.  St. Patrick had a very serious, almost frightening, poker face.

“Seamus, do you think you can cut back on the drinking, the partying, the gambling, the philandering, the cursing, and the overall reckless behavior in the year ahead?”

The crowd gasped again, and my eyes opened so wide in surprise that I was sure they were going to fall out of my head and roll off the porch.

How would the life of Maine’s party answer the stone faced saint, who had just offered him a special Irish blessing?

Seamus“No,” Seamus replied.

The crowd muttered in disbelief.  I chugged the rest of my Snapple.  St. Patrick stared at Seamus, his expression unchanged.

“It would be a lie were I to say anything else, St. Paddy,” Seamus continued.  “I’m a Leprechaun and an Irishman.  I don’t know any other way to live.”

Nothing happened for the longest time until a smile slowly crept across St. Patrick’s face.  “That’s exactly what I hoped to hear,” St. Paddy admitted.  “This is my weekend, and I want to PAAAAAAARTY!  Let’s paint this state green, buddy!”

The crowd went wild.  Seamus climbed up onto the porch railing and did a jig, while St. Patrick clapped along and urged him to dance faster.

Thanks for joining me on the porch, I promise to have you back real soon!  Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Irish Icons And An Irish Kid From Brooklyn

  1. hocuspocus13 says:

    Reblogged this on hocuspocus13.

  2. frugoal says:

    Thank you! Haven’t had that much fun on a porch in years!

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